Insert Melodramatic Title Here
by katryne
Summary: Heh. Finally updated the damn thing. Apologies for disappearing. Seifer/Squall. AU. Two new chapters. bewarned: here be YAOI.
1. Say hello to the big bad world

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__  
  
*pointless disclaimer not included. We all know to whom they belong to. :)  
  
Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! GAY PORN! (ok... maybe *not* exactly that) Two males about to embark in a romantic relationship with each other. If that squicks you... tough.  
  
A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip you up.  
  
Because really, what better narrator than someone who barely speaks? *grin*  
  
p/s: I have resolved to not caricaturise Rinoa and be all insulting towards her, even if that meant I had to give her an actual personality. LoL. And the alternate universe setting is just an excuse for rampant OOC-ness.  
  
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I stepped off the bus and the first thing that hit me was how different everything smelled. It all looked so clean, yet I smelt smoke and barely hidden grime of the thosands of souls that have passed through this bus depot.  
  
There was so many people, this suffocating press of bodies, jostling and pushing, in a hurry, in a rush, not caring. Not knowing.  
  
This was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to disappear. To hide. To forget. I wanted to be in a place where I have no past. Where nothing and no one can touch me. I want to forget how it was to feel.  
  
But as it turned out, it wasn't what I needed.  
  
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I wasn't exactly in the best financial position to negotiate for the sort of accommodations I was used to. I left in a hurry, in a rush of misery and half-assed pledges to never return, made with all the petulance my teenage self could give me. As I munched miserably on the sorry excuse of a hotdog ("just the dog, hold everything else"), I realised not only was there an urgent need for me to find somewhere to live, there was an even more pressing need for me to find some sort of steady income. Even then (especially then), I knew just how far money can take a person. I was more than aware of it. But for all my financial savvy, I was still a sheltered teenager, barely out of the country, too used to small town life to be street smart in the big, bad city.  
  
If you could see me then, eating my meagre meal as if it was the most bitter I've ever had. What a serious, serious youth I was. So afraid, and so cold. It was then when I found myself standing in front of a decently-sized building, bigger than most buildings in the area, yet, not as intimidatingly high as those skyscrapers that I've just seen with my eyes that day. It was somewhat removed from the rest, a stately mansion with its gates flung open, so calm and inviting despite its imposing dignity.  
  
I had found myself at the Esthar Youth Hostel-slash-Welfare Shelter. Oh right, I had forgotten about those. At least, I can put off the financial headaches until later. Much, much later, as long as I could. As I moved slowly towards the main entrance, my body suddenly remembered all the travails of the past few days, and I was bone-weary by the time I reached the reception desk.  
  
I used to dream about running far away from home, a romantic dream where I would live on my own in the city, living (what I imagined to be) a bohemian life. Not caring about facades, about appearances, only being who I wish to be, without constraints or limitations. It was one of the countless dreams I filled my boredom with. Yet, as I was about to embark on what seemed like fulfilment of this particular dream, I was beset with doubt.  
  
I had not had the greatest luck with romantic dreams. I had found, to my sorrow, that dreams were merely mirages in the shade, tricks of glimmering light that looked so lovely and beautiful in the shadow, only to be nothing more than smoke and faint embers hidden behind cold grey ashes in the harsh glare of reality.  
  
I was dreaming them when everything shattered and broke, leaving me adrift in a haze of betrayal and pain.  
  
I could not trust my dreams anymore. Not when I was awake.  
  
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They showed me an empty bed, the lower half of a bunk bed, at the far edge of the first-floor men's dormitory. The bed was recently tidied and was neat, with perfect corners on its sheets. It was serviceable and practical, certainly not at all bohemian, and I remember how that little thought comforted me. My dreams had never been so sterile and filled with sharp angles. In fact, it bore little resemblance to anything I had imagined, beginning with the efficient though not overly friendly (if a little bored) girl acting as the receptionist. The entire place was clean, its curtains and carpets a little rundown perhaps, and its walls probably needed a fresh coat of paint, but it was well-kept, and it was obvious it was not wanting for funds. Evidently a well-sponsored charity, judging how difficult it can be to keep something of this size well-maintained and still remain thrifty with the cash. And above all, even to an untrained out-of-towner, it had class.  
  
I went to the communal shower and washed myself of the grime and sweat that came with my travels, and when I finally was clean and dressed in dry (even if it smelt a little funky) clothes that I had managed to hastily pack into my bag, I finally yielded to my exhaustion and slept like the dead.  
  
I woke up when I could no longer ignore my stomach. Fortunately, it was dinner time, and I didn't get lost on my way to the cafeteria. I ate mechanically, the food being as it was, convenient and something to fill me, nothing more than that. It wasn't bland, and just like the rest of the building, serviceable and did what it supposed to do, but there was a flair to it that stopped it from being just plain glop served warm. Still, those fine observations I did not make till much later. I was too heartsick to care, and too hungry to bother. I needed to eat. I ate. I could've eaten stale hard bread a week old, and I wouldn't have cared.  
  
I went to bed immediately after that, not staying around to chat with the transient members of this community. I was still plagued by the worries of the future to want to know about my newly- made kin, this band of displaced people.  
  
I went to sleep more tired than ever, my apprehensions slowly draining what strength I have. I might have put off the future a little longer, but time has the nasty habit of moving, and I knew the future was slowly, but surely, even as my breath grew languid and I took that badly needed rest, moving into the present. And pretty soon, if I was not careful, the force of that movement will be enough to derail me again. And the hurt will be too much, I knew that without much thought.  
  
But sweet Hyne, I was so tired of running and hiding, and the uncertainty of not knowing.  
  
I drew what little comfort I could from the sensible sheets and bed I was in, and tried very hard not to dream.  
  
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	2. And they promised me streets lined with ...

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__

*disclaimer not needed, because of course they belong to me. Ha.

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! The stuff you burn in hell for, apparently.

Author's notes: I wish I could write something witty, but ... never mind. Thanks for reading. :)

Bear with me as we encounter more turbulence in the headspace of the Boy Who Goes "……" And maybe I should change this fic's rating, cos we ain't coming to the good stuff for a long while yet, baby.

Dedicated to Annie D (http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=154952), who refuses to let me read her Slam Dunk fics, because she insists I'm better than her. Yeah, right. Hunt for her fics… read it. She's bloody brilliant. Go compliment and love her to death. Even if she'll start going, "aiieeee!" and hunt me down with a machete.

And to the canteen people of my ex-college's cafeteria... I adore their tuna sandwiches.

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I woke up to find my face stiff with dried tears. All that crying myself to sleep was really starting to piss me off. I have no time to be maudlin dammit, I thought savagely as I stepped into the showers. It has been close to a week, and I had no luck in either finding a place to live or a job. I couldn't find a place since I had no income to support it, and I couldn't find a job with my reluctance to give out the personal information they needed. At that was how it went, on and on, during my entire stay at the hostel.

I was slowly being forced into the proverbial dead end, but I was just too stubborn to accept that this would be my life indefinitely. I would not give up. I would not give in. I... just couldn't. If everything else in my life had changed irrevocably, one thing remained: I was a stubborn son of a bitch. I never believed in letting the whims of fate control my life, but I was bound, by practicalities necessary to continue my existence, and the fears that I learned in the past.

It was near noon when I finally made my way to the cafeteria. They were preparing to serve lunch, so I decided to make myself useful and help in the kitchen. I was too weary of rejection and having my hopes crushed that day to bother going out into the city and continue my daily hunt for accommodations and work. Shiva was the only I recognised in the kitchen, the rest were voluntary workers whose lives, as far as I was concerned, was as impermanent as the lodgers they serve.

She was paying no attention to anyone, carefully cutting the slabs of sandwiches into triangular pieces ready to be served. Or so it seemed. Without looking up, her too-platinum-to-be-real blonde hair shining under the fluorescent, she greeted me, all the while still cutting those bloody pieces of mashed tuna, as if it was the most interesting and important thing in the world.

Yes, she was a special one, Shiva. I wasn't too sure what was it exactly, but there was no awkwardness of first time meetings with her. I remarked that her name was odd, given that Shiva was a Hindu god and she was, as far as I could tell, a female, and she laughed her cool silvery laugh and thanked me for not being a moron.

We got on very well after that. Best friends, as much as a week and my constant depression could allow.

"Here," she handed me a tray of sandwiches, without waiting for my response.

I duly nodded and walked to the serving table and set the tray there. A few minutes of quiet work followed before she spoke again.

"Any luck so far?"

"No."

A moment's silence. She knew better than to dispense false platitudes. "You'll find it," was all she said, before settling back into her task and bustling about in the kitchen, ordering the rest around in her regal manner.

I tried not to respond with bitterness, and failing that, just kept my peace and quietly went on with whatever it was I was doing, not that I was paying attention. I couldn't help but dwell darkly on whatever it might be that I would find. So far, hiding in plain sight had seemed to work, but pretty soon my cash would run out, and with it, my luck. What was the point in trying to find a job, I thought, when I couldn't even tell my future employer my citizen's registration number? I had no means to forge the necessary documents, and without those documents, no self-respecting employee would want to hire me.

"Jeremy? Jeremy?" Shiva called gently before I realised it was me she was calling for. I wasn't even using my own name, for Hyne's sake! I shook my head slightly before turning up to face her. Oh right, lunch.

Suddenly the thought of a meal was too much for me. I took a slice of sandwich, did a reasonable impression of a smile to Shiva and headed outside. Maybe a walk in the city would do some good, I hoped. The very least, the cacophony this city makes would be enough to drown the worries in my head.

Whatever.

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There was a seminar once, back home, when going to school still meant something to me. The speaker was tirelessly preaching about the powers of positive thinking. Let go of your doubts, he said, and be free. All you need is be positive. The world doesn't need any more negativity.

He also recommended talking to yourself, as a way of solving problems.

Nutter. As if the world needed any more muttering freaks walking by the sidewalk.

Although I was seriously considering it.

As I was a person not given to sighing on whatever occasion, I only scowled even harder. Managed to scare more than a few people into crossing the road to avoid me too. Which did not help my scowling any.

I suppose it wasn't exactly strange that at that time of what seemed like the beginning of a bleak future, I would be reminded of that motivational speaker. I also remembered how … arrogant he seemed, confident and strutting his gospel to a public that desperately wished to believe in something. And I realised then, _I was jealous_. No matter how misguided he was to me, he had something to believe in. 

I wished for the same certainty.

More immediately, I wished for some nicotine.

I had walked aimlessly most of the day, and it was approaching nightfall. I found myself at one of Esthar's many parks just as the sun was setting. I barely noticed the beautifully illuminated fountains and headed straight to the row of benches, specifically one occupied bench, marked by the tell-tale flicker of a cigarette.

Desperation had made me shameless. "Can you spare a stick?" I asked, without preamble. He merely grunted, and offered me the pack from his pocket. I took one gratefully and sat on the bench next to him, our bodies divided by the armrests. He even offered his lighter, and I thanked him silently for his graciousness.

We sat together, in the dark, not talking, each dwelling in our own little man-caves. I found there was a limit at how much scowling my face can take, and as I let my expression go slack, felt the mass of doubt that was beginning to lodge rather firmly within me, turn liquid and flowed to the very ends of my fingertips. I imagined that they were dripping slowly away, _drip drip_, leaving me empty. But it would not drain fast enough, and I imagined it never will.

I tilted my head to rest against the back of the bench, and looked up at the thin crescent moon, low on the horizon, obscured by wisps of clouds but never truly hidden. I just wanted a break from all that brain activity. I just want to stop thinking. Stop worrying. I needed a moment where I could just be. And kill off my cells one by one with cigarette smoke. I took a long drag and savoured its poison. I don't often smoke, but stress makes people do all sorts of crazy stuff right? Like breeding cancer cells, for one.

And I must have sighed, because the next thing I knew the stranger next to me said, "It's that bad, huh?"

Talk about understatement. Might as well go for broke, I practically accosted the guy for a fag after all. What was a little heart-to-heart between strangers? "Worse," I said simply.

"My sympathies."

"Thanks." I couldn't help but be a little sarcastic in my reply.

There was a smirk in his low voice, as he said, "I don't suppose that if I said that it'll all be okay, you would believe me?"

"I would kill you."

"Try me."

And that smugness in his tone just loosed something out of me, and I laughed. It wasn't those big heaving gusts that I was never capable of, but it was still the sort that came from the gut. It felt as if I hadn't laughed in years. "I have worthier targets to kill," I said between chuckles.

I finally stopped starring at the sky and turned to look at him. For a split second, miraculously, my brain decided to shut up, registered the figure in front of me, and went, 'gyuhhh…". Then I saw the mischievous glint in his eyes and I knew this was someone who was used to such a response. Smug sumbitch. Still, he was _fine_.

"You?" Arrogant or not, I was in no hurry to end the conversation.

"Woman troubles."

__

Damn! "Yeah?"

He nodded, and slowly, taking his time, he started talking. I guessed that he thought I needed the distraction, because he did not strike me as someone who would just spill the secrets of his life to just anyone. He didn't talk much about his supposed 'problem' beyond the general points. She was too clingy, demanding, bla bla bla. Oh, forget about her, let's talk about you. Score one for the teenage libido. Just a few moments ago I was close to suicidal. Now I was horny.

I couldn't even remember what we talked about. Football, the weather, what a sorry mess humanity was, the usual philosophical shit. What we were lacking were alcohol and/or caffeine. What I did remember was how good just being with this man was. I talked a lot more for one thing. Managed to sneak in a few small laughs and I forgot about being depressed.

He did most of the talking, and I did most of the nodding. He had a persuasive voice and I find myself entranced by his words. I couldn't explain how, in all that inner turmoil, I found an oasis in just simple meaningless conversation with a person I had never met before and would probably never meet again. But I was thankful.

Gradually, we must have noticed the darkness in the park, save for a few streetlamps. He looked at his watch, and whistled softly. I took that as my cue, and stood up. But not before trying my best to commit his image to memory, though that wasn't hard to do. 

"Thanks," was all I said. Yet there was a wealth of meaning behind that simple word. 

He nodded, understanding in his keen green eyes. And he turned first, and walked away and my absolute last memory of him then was a tall figure striding away in the dark, his golden blond hair peeking out of the baseball cap he was wearing.

As I walked back to the hostel, I wondered what had come over me. To say all that was being out of character would be pointing out the obvious. But I decided not to question it. I wanted to forget my troubles, and my wish was granted. But as I grew nearer to the hostel, my briefly forgotten apprehensions flared up again. But there was no denying that my heart was lighter and that was all I could have asked for.

Shiva was waiting for me when I arrived (although I could see she was looking like she wasn't waiting for me), and gave me a hug before I even stepped inside. Standing halfway through, straddling the threshold, I returned the hug.

I went to sleep that night less heavy-hearted, though my problems were still unresolved. And as I closed my eyes, I remembered being hopeful that maybe, that motivational speaker knew what he was saying about being positive.

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__

"Promising forever is easy when you're not immortal," I announced as we were lazing about in the shade of the willow tree and allowed ourselves to be lulled by the sparkles of the stream before us.

He laughed. He had such a beautiful laugh, and it felt even more satisfying when I could feel the rumble of it in his chest, as I held him closer and rested my head on the crook of his shoulders. Thump. Thump. In my dreams, he was always alive.

But his face was too pale, too gaunt. "You have to stop this," I begged. "There's plenty of places where you can go and get help."

He shook his head. "I got it under control. Besides, our parents would freak."

Well yeah. "But--". 

I think what I missed most about him is the way he could hold me, in his delicate wasted limbs, and make me feel safe. And his kisses. And a million other things.

I should have been stronger. I should have made my objections louder. I should have forced him. I should have realised that, of the many illicit secrets we were keeping together, this one should never have been hidden.

But I was giddy. I was giddy at the joy of being loved, and I was secretly thrilled that I had something so precious hidden away from everybody. We were so happy together, removed from the expectations of our families.

It never begins the same, but the ending never changes. Slowly I could feel myself falling, as I saw the body of my lover slowly fading away, after being struck down in a flash of silver and crimson. But his eyes never looked betrayed.

"I love you Squall," he said softly, before disappearing completely.

I cried in terror and began running away from the slowly moving shadows.

I had not stopped running since.

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END part 2

Author p/s: And don't forget. *points to banner*:http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=154952. Annie D. Check her out. Ha Ha Ha. :D And yes, I do talk to myself.


	3. My Life as a Spanish telenovela

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__

*disclaimer not needed, because of course they belong to me. Ha.

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! More sex than you can shake a stick at! (and if you believe that, then there's this bridge that I think you might be interested in buying)

What is true: More plot, plot and fucking plot. Can't two guys just get hot and heavy without all this plot? Apparently not. LoL. Talk about delayed gratification. You guys are better off surfing for porn.

Author's notes: I have resolved to find a proper title for this fic. Though I'm beginning to be fond of the current one…

Dedicated to: To the entire cast of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghaum. Because I really need to get hooked on more Hindi movies. *snort*

Also to the various FF8 authors that have made my fanfic reading more enjoyable: Sodoshiin (Illusions and Reflections), Race Ulfson (thank you for your reviews. And all your stories), NightsDawne (for her Irvine/Squall/Seifer series), Persephone (Clouded Night), Baby Dragon, Seshat (Keepers; can't wait for the coming chapters), Dee (the ongoing Futureloop) and plenty more.

And a very BIG thank you to the kind souls who have reviewed this story. Should see me here, grinning like a fool.

And again, a big shoutout to Annie D, for being the silly goose she is. :)

And to my best friend. Good luck stalking MCG yeah?

Oh yeah: I support tertiary education (I'm bloody going through it). And I knew these characters are more than intelligent to ace their university years. But I want Squall just out of high school graduation. So now you know. :)

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Chapter 3: My Life as a Spanish telenovela (because it's long, filled with plot contrivances and gorgeous guys, though eventually all the drama will end. Right? Right?)

So let's recap: Our brave young hero (huh) escaped to the city in a state of much anxiety and stress caused by a few things I (narrator and the aforesaid hero) have decided not to divulge yet, in the spirit of just being a tease, one of which concerned about the death of his previous love, and yeah, that was about it. He also found to his dismay, that the streets of the city weren't lined with gold, money does not grow on trees and it was impossible for him to find a decent job and still keep hiding. All in all, the bed of roses turned out to be dead and thorny.

Much fun all around.

But, hope remained. He went for a walk, got mildly lost and found himself in a park at dusk with a really really gorgeous guy. Unfortunately, Mystery Cute Guy might be heterosexual and in all likelihood, our hero would never see him again. But still, he was **cute**. 

He went back to sleep that night still jobless, still hopeless and still dreaming of things that he knew he couldn't change.

All right, pathetic attempt at positive thinking concluded. Let's move on.

It had been two days since I shared that moment with that beautiful stranger. My status was still unchanged. I was still an unemployed youth, still hiding, still keeping secrets. I did however, make a mental note however, to disembowel the pompous ass that swindled my school into allowing him to hold that positive thinking seminar.

Oh, I was not bitter at all, as you could tell.

But before my sarcasm gets too confusing, I was honestly feeling better. Oh, I wasn't deluded into thinking that everything would all be sunshine and rainbows, but at the same time, the cloud of depression that had been hounding me the better part of a week had gone. There was resignation, and there was peace, but I still won't give up. I just wouldn't give myself ulcers worrying.

Still, it would be nice if I could just get a job. I had kept myself busy helping out at the hostel, but there was a feeling of longing within me. I didn't much believe in fate then, but I guess those three sisters weren't finished with me yet. Sometimes I wonder, was this what they do for kicks? Spin a wheel, pick a hapless mortal and start gnarling their strands of destiny and see what the poor bastard will do next?

All right, cleansing breath. No ulcers, remember?

It was lunch again at the cafeteria when my life finally stopped being on hold, and opportunity presented itself. Shiva was at the receptionist desk answering a call, her food tray abandoned beside mine. I remembered thinking that once I am able to, I'll stop eating baked beans forever. (Let me add however, that pledge is now forgotten, as nothing goes better with toast than baked beans) Anyway, Cid took a seat across from me, and waited for me to finish before clearing his throat. He was a stout, middle-aged man, also one of the regulars helping out here, always ready with a smile, and ready advice. Reams of advice. Or just about anything. That man loves to talk. I think he had a soft spot for me because while I certainly could keel over from boredom whenever one of his little speeches take over five minutes, I didn't show it. Being stoic and emotionless did have its benefits after all, as his next words proved.

"Listen Jeremy, I know you're looking for a job, and there's an opening at the Garden, so if you're interested it's yours." The Garden is Cid's 'little baby' as he calls it. A bistro/restaurant/club/whatever, the amount of time he spent talking about it was just another proof of his affection for it. The surprise and gratitude I was feeling must have showed clearly on my face, because he beamed, and continued telling me about what the job's requirements would be.

But as unbelievable this turn of good fortune was, I couldn't possibly accept it, because…. Because. My small frown stopped him from his little speech about starting out small and I was still young after all, and I opened my mouth to speak, only to find no sound came out of it. I tried again. "Cid, I'm grateful, I really am. But you don't know my whole story, and I can't tell you, and I want to, but I can't and I don't think you'll appreciate that, so before you turn me down I have to decline and--" I was babbling.

He held up a hand and made a little 'pshaaww' sound. He looked me straight in the eye, and I was so unnerved by the straightforwardness of the gesture. He looked so fearless. He had always been fearless, but I had dismissed it, fooled by his good nature, and I realised that I wasn't the first to underestimate this brave man who was prone to laughter.

"I've been watching you and you seem like a smart boy. Now, I don't know what it is you're running away from, but I can see you want to keep a low profile and that is not helping in your search for a job. Am I right?"

I could do nothing but nod weakly. "I can't give you my citizen's number. And-- and I have to be paid in cash, because I can't open a bank account."

"Fine. I'll just make up some numbers, and maybe I'll open one for you." There was a smile lurking in his eyes. "And of course your name is Jeremy."

My mouth must have been hanging open because the next thing I knew, Shiva resumed her seat and oh-so-helpfully closed my jaw. Her blue eyes looked amused. "What's up?"

"I just offered him a job at the Garden," Cid said nonchalantly.

"Ah." She was unsurprised. She also looked like she knew more than she was letting on. Hyne save me from people too perceptive for their own good.

"I work there too," she said, as she was adding more pepper on her beans. "Accounts and such. Or else," she smirked at Cid, "this man would be operating on a loss." She impulsively hugged me, while Cid was smiling widely. "You're gonna love it there. Some of the kids working there you should recognise, because they help out here too most of the times."

My head was spinning at my sudden luck, and at the incredibility of it and true to being me, I felt suspicious. "Why?" I demanded, too bewildered to make the question harsh.

He shrugged, still smiling. "You just remind me of a boy I used to raise. I'd imagine he'd be about your age now." And that was that.

And that was how I came to the Garden.

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It turned out Cid also owned the building the Garden was in, and the upper storeys were rented out. For his workers who don't already have their own place, he lets them rent the units at far lower rate, and he docks it out of our pay every month. He doesn't usually do this however, which was why I felt really uncomfortable with what I considered an act of charity above and beyond what was usual, for about a couple of days after I started work and shown to my place. To be honest, I'd rather not be so indebted to any person, but you have to squash your pride sometime and just suck it up and be pragmatic about the whole thing.

The studio apartment itself was lovely, definitely worth more than what I was paying. Clean, no leaky pipes or creatures of the lower food chain that I can see, sparsely furnished, a promising place. With half a month's advance that Cid gave me, I went out and indulged myself in a thick, quilted comforter, you know, the sort that makes you never want to get out bed? That night sleeping in with that comforter was just heaven, with me making embarrassing (and potentially damaging to my broody moody persona) happy noises. 

The floor I was at was also mostly occupied by the Garden employees, all of whom apparently, share a history with Cid even before he opened the Garden. Shiva was right, I did recognise them. I've seen them around the hostel, helping out, but I never noticed because they themselves were too busy to come often. They were all very enthusiastic in welcoming me, and weren't put off by my non-speech (to put it one way). There was Zell and Quistis, the head waiters. Selphie and Irvine, the head cooks and Ifrit and Q (he was pretty resigned in explaining that nobody ever managed to get both the spelling and pronunciation of his name right), the bouncers. Very quickly I was included in their little circle, and as maudlin as I thought it was, I had arrived home.

I settled into the rhythm of my new life pretty quickly. The Garden, with its a café/bistro-turned-nightclub and dance floor on the ground floor and a four-star restaurant on the first floor, was one of the more popular hangouts for the trendy set of Esthar, and the nights were crazy, with a thousand problems and a thousand customers, all demanding our attention. At first I was given only day shifts, to get myself used to its pace, and wanting to prove that Cid's faith in me would not be misplaced, I worked diligently and a little more than a week later, I was promoted to the night shift. 

I think it was with a certain amount of glee that Zell gave me the waiter duties on the first couple of nights. True, the first floor was more sedate compared to the pulsing music filling the club downstairs, but as a Garden waiter, Cid stressed on being helpful and friendly. Which meant a lot of smiling. Yes. Ha ha. Funny. The cheeky devil certainly didn't need any more reason to be cheerful those two nights.

But overall, I enjoyed it, the whole atmosphere of the Garden, even if I had to endure bouts of smiling. Or at least, non-scowling. Eventually, Quistis, who wasn't as evil as her boyfriend, wisely shuffled me to bartending duties, as soon as Xu (who was the previous occupant of my apartment) managed to help me master a sizeable inventory of cocktails and drinks in my downtime. I didn't have to smile so much, and I was already very good at nodding. At first I thought I should work on the appropriate sympathetic bartender expression, but after coming up with one grimace after another, both Xu and I agreed my patented blank expression would do just as well.

Outside of work, I still spent time with the Garden crew. I didn't know anyone else in the city, and they were generous with their invitations. And they never seemed to mind that I wasn't exactly forthcoming about myself than they are about theirs. The main storyteller was Selphie, with the rest chiming in at appropriate moments. We were hanging out at Xu's new place with her lover, when she told me about how most of them were orphans raised by Cid. It was because of the war they had all lost their parents. I didn't remember much about the war; in fact I didn't remember much of anything before I was adopted. I didn't tell them that, but the fact that we're all orphans just struck a chord within me, which I kept silent. 

I'd rather not be reminded of what I had left behind, not when everything was going so well.

Well, Fate's a bitch that way.

------------------------------

I was already working at the Garden for two weeks when Rinoa came. I regretted choosing the morning shift that day, because my nightmare the previous night was exceptionally bad. I couldn't sleep after I woke up gasping at 4 o' clock in the morning, sobbing into my pillow until I felt all wrung out. Everyone was keeping out of my way, because seeing me growl 'good morning' like a hungover bear was more than enough, thank you.

So having Rinoa show up would make perfect sense, in the fucked-up drama that was my life.

I didn't know who was more surprised. I scowled as her eyes widened and she gave a little gasp. She would probably have said my name too, if I didn't glare at her in time. But I couldn't manage to stop her from glomping me. Oh well, it had been a while. Against my will, I felt glad. I didn't realise how much I missed being … normal.

After she had successfully managed to partially suffocate me, she looked up at me and said firmly, "We need to talk."

You know, every time a girl says that, it's never good.

------------------------

I took advantage of my lunch break to take us away from the Garden. It was good to see her again, and we did need to talk, but not there. I didn't even realise that I had steered us to the same park where I had met the mysterious stranger (I made a few more visits after I had settled into my job. I suppose I was feeling wistful). 

We didn't exactly leave the Garden in a hurry, because one, it would rouse suspicion, and two, Rinoa really was looking for lunch. She offered me a Portugese egg tart, but I declined. I wasn't that hungry and I didn't think the promised conversation should be held with me having pastry crumbs on my mouth. I didn't even bother asking her the reason why she was there, because not to be all self-centred, there was no other reason for a girl from a small town like Timber to come to a big city like Esthar.

She took her time finishing that tart, savouring it like it was the most delicious in the world (it is, but that's not the point), while I was sitting there, stewing uncomfortably. Her little revenge for my leaving her and not telling. I could see why she would get mad. She was the closest friend I ever had back home. We knew our parents had intended to pair us up, but that was just like marrying your sibling. We had grown up too close together to ever have any romantic feelings, and in the later years, we made a silent pact to find ourselves partners and force our parents to accept our choices. She became my confidante, and was the only one who knew I was gay. We joked about how I beat her in finding a partner, but it was a joke laced with bitterness. In the military environment that we grew up with, homosexuality was a taboo, a disease. I had told everything. Except that night where everything in my world turned upside down and I had to leave.

She cleaned her mouth delicately and methodically, ignoring my frown. Oh, she was really taking her time. Then she looked straight at me, matching me frown for frown, and asked, in a pleasant voice that did not fit her scowl, "So how are you?"

"Fine. You shouldn't be here."

"Why not? I should start sending in university applications already, and I hear Esthar have some good ones, so I thought I should check it out." From her flippant tone, I knew that was the excuse she had given her parents. She was still scowling.

I finally conceded defeat, and said tiredly, "I'm sorry Rinoa." Immediately she scooted closer and pulled me into a hug. After a while, she asked softly, "Can I know about it?"

"You really shouldn't."

She jabbed me at the side. "Tell me."

So I told her about that night. She was pretty quiet throughout it all, except the parts about Terence. He was a good friend of her too. We military kids after all grew up together. I was dispassionate, my voice flat, in the manner of someone merely reciting facts.

After I was done, we lay quiet, heads leaning against each other. My eyes were dry, while Rinoa was quietly sniffling. I suppose my tears were only reserved for the nightmares.

"Does your father know?" she finally asked.

"No new revelations after he caught us necking by the couch, so no. But I think he suspected things. He didn't ask. He just gave me money and told me to go."

"It was chaos after you left. Nobody knew about the two of you, but the police was suspicious. Your dad was all forbidding-like when they came to your house. Mr Military Man. Said you were visiting your aunt in Galbadia just two days before the murder. Good thing you keep to yourself and visit those obscure places nobody knew exist," she gave a slight smile at that. Then she frowned as she continued, "then after the police, I noticed these shady-looking guys were loitering about. Asking around for you. Went to the bus depot and all that. Your father got before them first, and I honestly knew nothing." At that she pinched me hard on the arm. I yelped. That hurt dammit. 

"They didn't check on my aunt?"

"Who? The police? You're currently suffering from laryngitis and measles. Those shady guys? Your aunt isn't known for being a paranoiac hag for nothing." She grinned.

"So how come you managed to beat them all?" I was impressed, despite myself.

"I really was checking out the universities." We laughed. "But I thought, you know, for some reason, you would be here. I was hoping you would."

"I'm glad," I said sincerely.

She held my hand tightly, and I could see her barely hidden worry. "You really ought to go to the police."

"I'm afraid." I understood what she meant. I had asked myself the same question a million times. We grew up to respect authority, but I'm too afraid. And too doubtful.

She sighed. She knew what I was afraid of. There was no guarantee that the police can protect me. Those shady-looking men felt too dangerous, and powerful. There was no way I could win against them. And I won't let my death be their triumph. Not when I remember Terence.

I looked at my watch and realised my lunch break was long over. Regretfully, I stood up. "I have to go. When I will see you again?"

She shook her head unhappily. "I'm taking the train to Timber today. Papa only let me off for today. I guess… I guess when I start my semester here," she grinned. "Maybe a little earlier than that, I need to get my supplies and everything."

---------------------------------------------

I went back to the Garden, my mood already brightening with Rinoa's parting words. It felt good to finally talk to someone about it. That night, I slept without nightmares for the first time in a long while. I only wished that I had some way to honour Terence's memory. I finally bought a flowering cactus to put on my windowsill. I suppose cacti weren't exactly romantic, but I wanted to honour him, not kill him all over again.

Three days after Rinoa's visit, the Garden was suddenly filled with anticipation. Without asking, Selphie as usual filled me in. Seifer's coming back, along with Ellone and Matron. They had been visiting Balamb and Winhill, where the orphanage used to be and Ellone's mother's grave. Matron was Edea, Cid's wife and Ellone was Laguna's daughter. Do I know Laguna? Who doesn't know Laguna? He is one of the richest businessmen worldwide. A billionaire several times over, it is said. I must have looked surprised at the connection, because Selphie winked at me at that point.

"What about Seifer?"

"Seifer?" Irvine interrupted from stirring the contents in a large pot. "He was one of us," he drawled. "Bright as all hells and arrogant as anythin'. Certified genius, he used to boast." He laughed. "Not anymore, not when I have all this crockery with me. Anyway, Laguna all but officially adopted him, when it became obvious normal schoolin' just won't do with him, and Cid couldn't find the means to, not with the rest of us to take care of."

"All but officially?" I was intrigued by that.

They grew quiet at that, and looked at each other. "Well," Selphie began slowly. "Laguna came to the Orphanage a few years after the war. He was thought to be killed in action, and his wife died giving birth to the second one. He came to claim his children, but there was only Ellone. The other one, had been adopted. Cid was really sorry, and no one told me the details, but it seems they never could get Laguna's son back. Anyway, he got real close with us, and we're like his nieces and nephews. Seifer's the closest to him, but we all knew it was his son he came for."

For some reason that story made my eyes sting. I cleared my throat and said feebly, "that's sad."

"Yeah," said Irvine, "but I reckon both the boy and the father are doin' fine, even if they'll never get to meet." And that was the end of that story.

Eventually, I was caught up with the excitement of the rest and took greater interest in what was happening. The Garden will be closed tonight, to celebrate their homecoming. Even Laguna was coming, and inexplicably that little bit of information excited me.

They were expected to arrive sometime after 4, so almost everybody was busy tidying up and setting up the decorations upstairs, leaving me alone to take care the café, the only part of the Garden still open for normal business.

I was busy at the cash register, when a voice I would recognise anywhere said behind me, "Hello."

I spun around in surprise, and there he was again, pleased amusement in his green eyes and his blond hair uncovered by any baseball cap. Would you think less of me if I told you that my knees felt weak? Have you seen him?

And that, was how I met Mr. Seifer Almasy for the second time.

==================

END chapter 3


	4. All silver linings have a cloud

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__

*disclaimer: I, as the Supreme Leader of the Universe, have, in my infinite wisdom, allowed Squaresoft to keep their copyright on these characters. (and if you're fool enough to sue me for that, that bridge is still up for sale)

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up.

Dedicated to: Frodo and Sam, and the love that can never be named. :) And to Annie D, for converting me to their cause. LoL. 

Apologies to: all the teachers who've taught me English. I'm so sorry, but I can never get all my tenses and other bits of grammar straightened out. (And if you say, "auxiliary", I would say, "plumbing?") Hey, it's not my native language!

Again, thank you to all who reviewed and those who didn't and yet still thought that this story ain't half-bad.

==================

****

Chapter 4: All silver linings have a cloud

Looking back, my childhood wasn't what you would call horrible. But there was something lacking. I could attribute it to the fact that we were living in an army town. The army was after all, synonymous with strict discipline. I was well cared for, and all my needs met, but there was coolness in the affection given to me. My father was a distant figure in my life and my mother had spent most of her time dominated by his will to have any real one of her own. Maybe because I was adopted, and I never felt kinship with those who had raised me.

But even that reason couldn't be true as I witnessed the joyous reunion happening in front of me. I had spent several seconds in brain-melting eye contact with Seifer Almasy (previously known as Mystery Cute Guy), before I croaked a reasonable approximation of the word 'hey'. And then two things happened that saved me from further embarrassment: Quistis came down the stairs, gave an un-Quistis-like squeal and shouted for everyone to come down; at the same time, Ellone and the Matron came in with their luggage. What ensued, three relatively innocent persons and their luggage were being attacked by most of the Garden staff in a hugging frenzy.

I had stood outside of their hugfest, feeling (quite rightly) like a stranger that did not belong there. And the thought of not belonging to this group of tightly-knit people actually made my chest constrict. I just couldn't bear that thought, and I furiously tried to escape from the dangerously maudlin turn my brain was heading.

In the midst of Inner Squall vs Moody Brain, round 2, Ifrit thumped me on the back, effectively jolting me out of my inner Playstation and back to this reality. Oh, hugfest over. He loped his meaty arms around my shoulders, and stumbling, I followed him to meet the newcomers. Inside, I felt so resentful at all the loving vibes that was gathering around them. I seriously have issues.

Their faces was curious, open and friendly, and again I felt that overwhelming sense of familiarity, except this time I couldn't explain that it was because they were regular helpers at the hostel. From the time of my arrival until then, they had either been too busy or had left for their trip. I was vaguely aware that my subconscious was busy flashing warning signs, but I paid no heed to it.

Ifrit swiftly made the introductions. Ellone Loire was a pretty short-haired brunette, and a junior partner in the Garden, representing her father's interests in the establishment. Edea (or the Matron as the rest still insisted on calling her), who had her head on Cid's shoulder when we were introduced, was a slim, slightly older but still a beauty with raven hair, whose violet eyes looked slightly puzzled as she tried to assess me. And Seifer… Seifer was the gorgeous blond who was about to change my life forever. Ok, so Ifrit didn't say that last part. But I wasn't paying attention anyway by then.

Edea disengaged herself from Cid, and said, in her soft voice, "You remind me so much of someone…." At that, Cid whispered to her, and she nodded. "You're right," she said to Cid but still looking at me. I must have looked like a really pathetic puppy, because then she walked to me and gave me a hug. Even her scent smelled familiar, as I held her tighter. A part of me that was still detached coolly noted that I've been hugged more in that past month, than in all my years growing up.

And as she and I were separated, the rest of them had brought the rest of the captives to the couches at one corner of the dance floor, loudly asking questions and shamelessly begging for gifts. Shiva and Ifrit were having one of their rows, with Q vainly trying to be the peacemaker and failing that, just settled for banging their heads together. Edea and I however, trailed behind, her arm around my waist, and me just enjoying the feeling.

"I hope you have settled in, and the rest aren't treating you too badly?"

I nodded, in a way that was enthusiastic for me. "I love it here."

"Good. I hope you'll stay here as long as you like-- Jeremy." I had noticed that she stumbled over my name.

When she rejoined the group again, that feeling of loss swiftly returned. I didn't think I could stand their unconscious taunting, so I turned and was about to leave, when Cid called out, "8 o'clock Jeremy, don't forget."

And I said stupidly, "I'm invited?"

Q with surprise, looked at me. "Of course you are. Why shouldn't you be?"

I couldn't help grinning as I made my way home.

Oh, did I mention that Seifer was eyeing me with an expression best described as speculative? Reminded me of a cat I once had. I made a mistake of buying a canary once. The poor bird never stood a chance. All that nervous twittering whenever the cat came in should've been a clue. It didn't even last a month. And I remembered the cat had damnedest smug expression on his face.

There was a moral to that somewhere, but I was too exhilarated to be invited to a dinner that I didn't realise that I really wanted to go. And his attention was… flattering. I was way over my head, and I didn't care.

Teenage libido-1, rational brain-nil.

----------------------------

I stressed for a bit about what to wear to dinner. Most of my clothes had travelled with me from Timber, and I didn't think that casual-slash-running-away-from-home was the look I was going for. I did have a couple of decent slacks, all they needed was some ironing. No, how about jeans? I'd be casual and cool. If only I had a pair of leather pants….

At that point, I walked calmly to the nearest wall and very firmly, directed my head towards it. All right. Calm down. It's just a frickin' dinner. With friends. _And Seifer!_ And Seifer, I added. Are all subconscious this neurotic?

I went back to my closet and took a deep breath. All right. I exhaled loudly. I took an honest inventory of what I had. Ok, denims weren't a bad choice. And there was a deep wine-red turtleneck that I just bought the other day. So that was settled. Not too casual, not too formal either. Just nice.

I ran my fingers through my hair, just enough so it wasn't tangled. I had long given up on trying to bring some order to it. As long as it didn't get in my eyes, I'm happy. I tucked my Griever necklace, and drew some solace from it. I've had it even before I was adopted, though I cannot remember who gave it and what was the significance about it. It was the only thing of my past that I had been able to keep.

I arrived about five minutes before eight, and a harried-looking Quistis greeted me with a pile of last minute decorations. "Just use your artistic sensibilities," she said. I looked at the pile in my arms in puzzlement. What artistic sensibilities?

I was almost done (and had managed quite nicely enough, thank you), standing on a stool when Seifer arrived. He was beside me, hands in his pockets, looking up nonchalantly and asked, "Need any help?"

Startled, I said hurriedly, "No, no, I'm just about done." He helped me down, and when he held my hand, my subconscious gave a mental squeak and pretty much passed out for that moment. I finally noticed him, or rather, what he was wearing. A dark emerald green shirt, collar unbuttoned, its colour setting off his eyes into a brilliant shade of jade. He was wearing a matching suit, in some dark colour that wasn't black, but I couldn't determine in the soft lighting, but it made the green of his shirt even more pronounced. I bit my lip. I was fighting the urge to bite something. Preferably him.

He gave me the once over, and suddenly it felt to me as if the temperature of the room had risen. "You look good," he finally said.

__

You look edible. "Th--thanks." Wow, flustered just go so well with me, didn't it?

He came closer. I did my best not to look too much like a small frightened animal, while my subconscious awoke just in time to remind me that _he's straight, he's straight, he's straight._ And he broke his gaze and looked at the tables that was joined together to serve as a dining table tonight. "Everything looks great. Did you do all this?" 

I managed a small smile. "If I said yes, Quistis and Selphie would take turns beating the crap out of me." I held up one sorry neglected piece of decoration I had left, and pointed to the walls, "I did some of that."

"It still looks good."

Even his smile was to die for. "Flatterer."

"Seif! You're early!" It was Zell, holding a bottle of wine.

"Chickenwuss, you're late."

"Don't call me that!" Zell mock-hit him with the bottle.

By the time Quistis and Selphie finally came out of the kitchen, along with Irvine, each holding a dish, Seifer had already had Zell in a headlock and was about to give him a noogie. Calmly Quistis placed a hand on Seifer's shoulder and took the wine bottle from Zell's unresisting hands. "Let him go Seifer." He complied, while the smaller blond grinned triumphantly and planted a big kiss on his girlfriend. She smiled and said to Seifer, "You should've told us you've already arrived."

"I was too busy teasing the new guy here." He punched my upper arms gently.

Ok, was that me blushing?

Zell motioned to Seifer's empty hands. "Hah, you didn't even bring anything!"

"The chocolates are chilling in the fridge, blondie," Seifer smirked. He must have given it to the Garden kitchen when he arrived.

"Oy!" But Zell couldn't do anything as Matron and Cid had arrived, along with everyone else. Selphie greeted everyone in her typical high-energy way, hugging everyone and punctuating every sentence with a smile or a small grin. I quietly moved a little farther apart from the others, just basking in the warmth of emotions there. Matron, in her gracious way, complimented on the how everything looked, and I could see Quistis, Selphie and Irvine blushing with the praise. Her words meant to all of them, I realised. She was the Matron, their caretaker; their mother.

I abruptly turned away and paid undue attention to the paintings on the wall. I missed my family terribly. No matter how strict, and suffocating they were, they were the only family I'd known. Suddenly I wondered about my orphan days. I wished I had remembered even a little. Maybe it was worse than what I was familiar with. Maybe it was better.

"Hey man, come and meet the new arrivals," Ifrit said gruffly as he tugged my hand and pulled me to where Seifer was with three other people I didn't recognise. Well, I did sort of recognised the tall, good-looking man who stood the closest to Seifer. His long dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, and he greeted me with a smile. I started, as I finally recognised who it was. He looked just like the photos I'd seen in the news. I had met Laguna Loire, in person.

He grasped my hand and shook it firmly. "It's good to meet you." His words are cordial, but there was no aloofness there, except the uncertainty of a new meeting. Beside him, Seifer was smiling at me. I was too jolted by Laguna to notice. It felt as if there was a current of electricity running through us, only it seemed that I was the only aware of it. I was confused, because it wasn't what I was feeling with Seifer, but….

Before I knew it, Ifrit had introduced me to Fuujin, who looked particularly rakish with her eyepatch and Raijin, who was beaming at me, and reminded me of a more jovial Ifrit. They practically look like brothers anyway, right down to the golden hoops they wore on their ears. Soon after, Irvine announced that dinner was ready, and we all took our seats at the table. 

The dinner that night was absolutely a noisy affair. Everyone was talking to everyone else on at least three different subjects it seemed. I didn't talk much (not that I talk much anyway), as there was no opportunity to jump in. Conversation didn't so much as flowed, as raged like a mighty river overflowing after a storm. Not that I minded. Old friends long met and new stories are exchanged. And for the benefit of the new addition (that was me), old stories are retold with much renewed vigour. I learned that Laguna was a great klutz, and his leg cramps had become the stuff of legends. Cid once had actually lulled everyone in a meeting to sleep, by talking non-stop for three hours. Fuujin used to bark out words in place of actual sentences, though she kept the habit of kicking Raijin's shins when the mood suited (which she did, because it was Raijin who was telling that particular story). Raijin still tacked on 'ya know' at the end of every sentence he uttered. Shiva teased Ifrit mercilessly for the time when he tried to set snow on fire. Of course, after that they got into another quarrel, with Q in the middle covering his face, and finally poking the two of them into silence with his salad fork.

I envied them even as I listened. But it was no longer mindless jealousy. I was envious because I did not spend more time with them sooner. I was grateful that they had big-heartedly pulled me into this tight circle. I offered a few stories as I dared, making sure that they were suitably amusing and vague enough to not give them plenty of clues. I told them about the time I had fallen into a ditch with Terence when we were just twelve climbing the fence to spy on Rinoa because we heard that she had just bought training bras the week before. At that they all laughed and Quistis laughingly reminded the rest of the table that that was what the boys did when they were all twelve too.

Throughout it all, I noticed Seifer was kept looking at me with an unreadable expression. Irvine must have noticed (he was, after all, seated next to me), because he leaned over, and whispered, "Be careful."

I kept on eating the fettuccine calmly, "Of?"

"Seifer."

"I thought he's straight." There was no question about me. They figured out I was gay, three days after I started work. Selphie asked me point blank, one day in the kitchens. I had no reason to deny, so I said yes. She sighed a little and said that I had broke several female hearts, hers included, and then calmly she turned, leapt and straddled Irvine standing not far away.

"Darlin', he'd fuck any pretty thing, if it's possible and is interesting to him. Besides, don't think I don't notice the looks he's been giving ya," he drawled lazily, ignoring the slight flush that was creeping up my face. "You're the prettiest thing that had come here in awhile. Excepting present company." He grinned at that. Sobering a little, he continued, "All I'm sayin', be careful. He's charming sonofagun, when he wants to. I love him as a brother, but he can be a real ass to those that shares his bed. Go right ahead if you think you can handle it. Just don't say no one warned ya."

And do you know what was I thinking during that little warning? I believe my inner self went something like, _Hooooooya! I've got a chance!_

Irvine's dishes that night got plenty of loud praises, and his face looked like it was about to be split in half, because he was beaming so much. Selphie kissed him hard when the dinner was almost over, and when it looked like they were not going to break it up anytime soon, Zell groaned and cuffed Irvine on the head. And he had to promise Selphie ice cream afterwards, because he made Irvine bit her tongue.

I was helping cleaning up, when on the way out of the kitchen and back to the dining area, I was pulled into an alcove that was the entrance to the storeroom. And there, looming in front of me, larger than life and impossibly gorgeous, was the object of my libido. We were so heart-stoppingly close, and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. Our eyes were locked to each other for a few moments. And still no word was spoken.

There was a slight curve to his lips. I wanted so much to taste it. Feeling impulsive, I leaned up and kissed him. Immediately he reciprocated. And just as he was about to slip his tongue into my mouth, I pulled away.

Tracing his lips, and avoiding them from biting my fingers, I said, "The last time we met, you said you had women troubles."

Finally he captured my hand, and pulled it to kiss my palm. Tingles raced all the way to my toes. "Past tense. 'Had'. We only dated for a month anyway. She was just a fling."

"Am I just a fling then?"

He leaned closer, so deliciously closer. "No."

"Oh good," I breathed. And I closed the distance between us, and this time, taking no chances, he gripped my hips. I was tracing the outline of his ears and neck when he grinded himself against me. I moaned weakly. Summoning what little strength I had, I pushed away, and moved his arms to his sides.

Naughtily, I kissed his jaw. "Well, see you."

I walked jauntily away, as best as I could on shaking limbs. When I looked back, Seifer still hadn't moved, although his hands were now in his pockets. He had a gleam in his eyes. I shivered and turned away.

----------------------

The rest of the night weren't exactly kind on my self-restraint. We were all lounging on the couches, drinking coffee, tea or whatever else, talking about various topics. Seifer was a full participant, though he purposely sat next to me and brushed against me whenever he can. Evil evil bastard.

Gradually, my eyes felt heavy, and the next thing I knew, an amused Seifer was shaking me awake as I was about to drool on his shoulder. I leapt back, as if scalded. To be honest, I wasn't even sure why I was playing coy with him. But I knew I didn't want to be just another easy lay.

There was another reason, I think. Guilt. I felt guilty enjoying myself. I remembered Rinoa's words. Shouldn't I go to the police, tell them what I knew? Yet, for some reason, something held my back. My instincts were uneasy with that option.

I arrived home that night, my spirits plummeting a little when I saw Terence's cactus. What good feeling I got from the dinner evaporated. Suddenly I was so tired, as if a thousand years of burden was laid on me. I changed to my night clothes slowly, and my bedtime rituals felt forced.

I went to sleep feeling like a coward. 

----------------------------

The dream that night was different.

__

"I wish I remember who I was," I said sadly, as I was fingering Griever.

Terence stopped my hand's motions, and closed it over the pendant. 'You've always been Squall. Even before. Especially before."

"But I wish I could remember!" I closed my eyes. "I love you."

"No you don't."

I pulled back from his embrace, frowning. He smiled. "Of course you love me. But you don't love love me. You were waiting for someone. And now he's here."

"You're here."

"Don't be silly. I'm dead. He's here. He's always known you as Squall. Even before."

"Especially before," I whispered. He nodded, and suddenly I found myself standing at a beachside. There was a lone boy, that I guessed was me, because who else had the same messy brown locks? I heard footsteps, and I turned. A small blond boy, though older than little Squall, was running towards little Squall. Startled, I realised it was Seifer.

He stopped in front of the sandcastle I was building, and squatted down. "Hey Squall, wanna come play?"

"No." Boy, I was still a person of few words even then.

"Aww, c'mon!"

I didn't reply.

"Please Squall, sword fights are fun!"

"…"

Angry, Seifer kicked at my sandcastle. I leapt up, my eyes blazing.

Satisfied, Seifer looked at me squarely and said, "Now we can sword fight."

Distantly I heard a voice I knew belonged to Zell, wailing, "Matron! Seifer and Squall is fightin' again!" Selphie promptly bawled.

Suddenly I was back with Terence. "I don't think I understand anything."

If anything, he smiled wider. "Good." And taking hold of my hands and kissing them, he said, "you've done nothing wrong in wanting to live. Live darling. Don't bother too much about me. There's nothing more you can do."

He didn't die in this dream, but he still disappeared, and left me alone.

=============

END chapter 4

*dream sequence written to 'Memoria' and 'My Tomorrow' (Boys Be OST)

Author p/s: And er… muchas apologies in advance, just in case the story gets unbearably mushy/sucky/plotless/angsty/predictable and/or just plain disappointing. Heh.

Look ma! Smut!


	5. Denial isn't just a word

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__ aka the plotless mush that could

*disclaimer: (..I really have to end this fic soon, because I can't be arsed into thinking up more silly statements that just says that Squaresoft owns everything concerning Final Fantasy 8, and I own squat...)

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up.

Dedicated to: my ongoing campaign to embarrass Annie D into letting me read her fics and not squeal when I do so. And to her also because I scare her, for some reason she isn't telling. :) Though she still writes the sweetest, cutest, most funniest, approaching-fluff fics I've read.

Will they won't they  
Will they won't they  
Will they get it on?  


The farther is to Squall  
The nearer is the blond

Contrariwise, continued Tweedledum  
If it was so, it is  
If it wasn't so, it ain't  
That's logic.

(recited and bastardised from memory, with a thousand apologies to Lewis Carroll)

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Chapter 5: Denial isn't just a word (it's a state of mind)

I woke up from the dream to find it was already eight in the morning, and the sun was creeping through the tightly shuttered blinds, illuminating everything in strips of light. My head felt as if it was wrapped in cotton, even though I drank very little last night. I dragged my feet to the shower, and I tried to keep my mind blank as the spray of hot water hit me.

I kept thinking back to the dream. Was it too much wishful thinking hoping that it was really Terrence in my dream? I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall, away from the shower spray. I missed him. I wish--

…_Live darling. Don't bother too much about me…_

I wanted so much for the dream to be something more than just electrical impulses firing in my brain when I was asleep. I wanted it to be a message from beyond. I wanted to know that it was really Terrence. I wanted to stop feeling guilty to be alive.

__

…nothing wrong in wanting to live…

My heart was troubled. My conscience was too loud for me to ignore. But I was so tired. I lie on the bed, still wrapped in my towel, looking past the sunbeams, to the window. Terence's cactus was just beside it, it's flower golden red in the sunlight.

Finally I walked to the window. I took the cactus, and placed it on the windowsill, behind the blinds, so it wouldn't remind me and accuse me of neglect and cowardice. My choice was made. It wasn't the closure I wanted, but it was the time for me to move on.

But I wasn't moving on. I didn't realise it then, but I was running. Maybe my bags weren't packed and I wasn't going anywhere, but I was still running away.

---------------------------

It was just a little after 10 o' clock when Shiva came knocking down my door. I was almost wishing that I had a morning shift that day, anything to escape the thoughts in my head. There was nothing interesting on the second-hand television Xu left behind. I was glaring at her by the time I opened the door, no thanks to her incessant knocking.

"I heard you the first time," I grumbled.

"I know," she said smirking. Then she laughed aloud at my glowering expression. Then, tapping the frown on my forehead, she said, "You just look so cute like that."

I just kept on glowering.

This time she really chortled. No, really. Chortled. Never thought I could actually use that word in real life. "Someone's taken her happy pill this morning." That much good nature that early in the morning was criminal, I tell you.

"And someone got lost in the angsty static that is his brain and promptly decided to be depressed," she countered. "C'mon." She took off her baseball cap and fussed with it on my head, making sure my fringes were cleared away from my eyes. "I want breakfast," she declared. "And then I want shoes. You're gay. You should know these things. You will help me."

I looked at her squarely. _Please. Have you seen my hair?_

Uncannily, Shiva just shrugged, and ruffled the back of my head not covered by the cap. "It still looks good." She hooked her arms around mine and dragged me out of the hallway. "I'm hungry," she said imperiously. "C'mon. There's this vendor whose hot dogs Zell just swears by."

The next thing I knew, I was out of the building, walking to only Shiva knew where, shivering a little in the morning chill. We were about halfway there when I realised I didn't lock my door. I believe Shiva went something like, "pffffffffttttt."

--------------------------------------

I grudgingly conceded that the hot dogs were indeed spectacular, as I started on my second, with Shiva looking at me with amusement. I was absent-mindedly grateful that I was wearing her cap, because I felt self-conscious out there in public. We were sitting at a bench in a park that I never went before. It was in a part of Esthar that I wasn't familiar with, so the uneasiness was understandable.

She was leaning against the bench, her arms splayed wide upon its back. She was squinting at the couple walking on the footpath far ahead, when off-handedly she commented, "Seifer really is a bad kisser, isn't he?"

Hot dog forgotten, I exclaimed, "No, he's not!" then blushed furiously when I saw her self-satisfied smirk.

"You just walked straight into that one," she said airily. I was munching at my hot dog stubbornly. Then she suddenly shifted and sat cross-legged on the bench facing me. Oh no, she was in her girltalk-share mode.

"So?" she prompted.

"So."

"Tell, tell," she said impatiently. "Was he like," at this, she clasped her hands together, and fluttered her eyelashes dramatically, "totally dreamy?"

I was still too mortified by my earlier admission to do anything but gave a tight nod and said curtly, "We only made out for less than five minutes."

"And what entertaining minutes they were too."

By then I was as red as a tomato, and was looking anywhere but at her. She patted my cheek kindly. "The shoes can wait you know. And I could have easily had breakfast by my lonesome. But when my best friend got kissed senseless by someone generally agreed to be a first-rate charmer, I find I had the most urgent need to eat hot dogs here."

She leaned back against the bench again, though this time her arm was looped through mine. I had finished my hot dog and offered the remainder of my coffee to her silently. She sighed after she took a sip, and looked up in the sky, shielding her eyes against the brilliant morning sun. After a while, she looked at me steadily. "I don't suppose you ever find the society pages in newspapers interesting?"

"It's just socialite gossip and a glorified 'who's going out with who' with pictures." I was curious at where she was going with this.

She leaned in closer and rested her head on my shoulder. "Exactly." She sighed again. A lot of sighing from the regal Ice Queen. "Hey," I said softly. "What is it?"

"Seifer's a pretty popular fixture in those pages."

I was silent for a bit before shrugging carelessly. "So? I figured, since he is pretty rich and handsome. And available."

Shiva looked at me wryly before leaning against my shoulder again. "I'm not saying he's going to two-time you, if that's what you think this whole excursion is about. Seifer might be a playboy, and he can't be depended on to keep a steady relationship beyond three months, but he's a gentleman, and he always treats his lovers with respect. If you're his target for now, he won't stray." I was relieved at hearing that. Shiva continued, "No, that's not what I'm worried about. You're a big boy, you can handle it."

"But, Seifer likes to show his conquests. Which is fine I think. Especially when it's someone as pretty as you are." I rolled my eyes at that. My face has always been the bane of my life. No one takes you seriously when you look like you're one lipstick application from being a girl. Shiva laughed at my expression. She knew she could get away with it. If it were someone I knew back in Timber, they would be sprawled on the ground, nursing a split lip. Probably. I put someone in traction once. Lifted my spirits up pretty high for an entire fortnight.

"Now the problem is," she tapped the brim of the cap I'm wearing lightly. "You're in hiding." Almost philosophically, she asked, "Would you tell him?"

Would I? Should I? I frowned to myself. I honestly don't know. Shiva clasped my arm tighter. "I don't care what is it that you're hiding from, though I wish…" she shook her head slightly and smiled. "No, I don't mind, I really don't. But what about him? He's persistent one, Seifer. Sure you can throw him off?"

"I… don't know." I looked down, staring at my hands on my lap. "I like him. I don't know him, and he doesn't know me, but whatever it is that's going between us, I don't want to lose it."

"You'll be fine, Jeremy," she comforted me, and I had to fight the urge to scream _It's Squall! Call me Squall!_

I exhaled heavily. "C'mon." We stood up and left the park. It was near noon anyway, and we're supposed to be at the hostel helping out with the lunch duty.

-------------------

On the way there, I did some heavy thinking. Shiva was trying her best at inane chatter, supplying the background noise to add to the bustle of the city. I suppose it was her way to keep me tethered, while my mind was tying itself in knots and circles at a furious pace.

That talk with Shiva and the dream the night before was seriously confusing me. I couldn't even begin to understand the emotions churning within me, much less make an informed decision about what to do next. I feel as though there was a huge roiling, burning sea encased within a statue of ice and glass that was my body. If this didn't let up, I might have to pick up some nervous habit like nail-biting or something, just to expel some of inner tension I was feeling.

I slowly began to realise that Seifer represented a shot for me being happy. To live again. To stop hiding. But at the same time, because of those very same reasons, I feared him. And I was angry at myself. There was still a part of me that was convinced that I had no right being happy. I shouldn't.

But I also did decide to move on. I had to try living again.

But I was so afraid.

--------------------

In the end, I decided to take the self-sacrificing route and not to fall for him. Which was too late anyway, but you know how it goes about paving the road to hell.

__

I will be cold and standoffish when he approaches me, and nothing he can do will convince me otherwise, I thought nobly. _Yes, this is the right way. He will not tempt me, and I won't be tempted._ Don't ask me what was the basis for my reasoning. All I remembered was that it made good sense to me at that time.

But it was a little hard to play hard-to-get when there was no one to do the chasing. Seifer never as much as stopped by in the days after the dinner. I was busy with work and helping out at the youth hostel, and I supposed he was too busy playing the young hotshot go-getting business executive to come to the Garden. I was too preoccupied with him to notice that he's not the only one who was busy. I hadn't seen Ellone and Laguna either. And Shiva too, because apparently she works at their accounting department on semi-permanent basis.

You can laugh at me now (because I sure as hell am), but I remember feeling very miffed. Mixed with a natural curiosity about what could happen next, as well as a little bit of longing and half-baked ideas about staying away, and you have a pretty interesting case study, should you ever want to pick up psychology.

He finally showed up on a Friday night. It was hectic, as usual, being a weekend night and the popularity of the Garden. I was busy entertaining orders at the bar to notice his arrival. However, through the fog of smoke and the smell of sweaty bodies, alongside the dim lighting and the pulsing music, I could feel him. I just didn't know it.

Then I heard his simple greeting. "Hey," he said. I turned around, and there he was, in a tan yellow trenchcoat, red crosses along its arms, seemingly apart from the press of bodies around him. I could literally feel my resolutions melting away in the light of his smile. (Did I just say that? Gag me.)

"Haven't seen you here in a while." I couldn't help but pout a little. (Yargh….)

He smirked. _Damn his smirk!_ "Missed me?"

I didn't quite know how to reply to that without sounding either like a lovesick fool or just a fool, so I settled for rubbing the shot glasses industriously.

"Hey," and he put his hand on my chin and tilted my head to meet his eyes. It was the first contact we had since the dinner and my heart was already beating in triple time. We just looked at each other for a while, and then apparently understanding me a lot more than I did, he said quietly, "I'm flattered."

I gave an undignified snort and pulled away from his touch. But I didn't move away from him, because I suddenly decided the glasses nearest to him needed arranging. Still I didn't say anything, and probably wouldn't have when he suddenly sighed and stopped my aimless hands.

"I'm sorry. But taking that little trip meant a whole lot more I have to catch up to before I could get everything in order. I missed you too," he added softly. Charmer.

But a charmer I was slowly falling for, whether I willed it or not. And I must have forgiven him, because I looked up without his urging, and something in my expression caused him to smile.

"Hey, a little service here!" I glared at the offending voice. But the moment was already gone. He squeezed my hand. "Go on, you shouldn't keep the customer waiting."

"Stay?"

"I wouldn't dream of anything else."

And I thought, to hell with guilt, and being careful, and caution. This was something good, and new, and I desperately wanted it.

============

Author p/s: Apologies at the tardiness (and shortness) of this chapter, but the next chapters might take some time in coming too, because I am in the middle of my finals. And Real Life™ has just thrown me a particularly wicked curveball I'm trying to grapple with.


	6. Some sweet lovin' (almost)

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__ 

*disclaimer: Yes, depress me more why don't you?

Summary: A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! 

A young man escapes to the city to find that the past is always there to trip him up. (how very appropriately vague). --here's hoping this chapter moves a lot more plot--

Dedicated to: my best friend. Hope she appreciates the gesture ("Aawww, you wrote smut? For me? Aww…")

Also to the real life Jeremy, whom I miss terribly. Because he's never online. :)

Written to: Bole Chudiyan (Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham OST) -- Dude, I'm writing slash to Hindi music! Neat!

Apologies: To everyone (or rather, anyone) who's been following this story. I seriously lost the plot. Literally. I had to log online and read past chapters on ff.net (because if my parents find out, I'd be a DEAD Aspiring Writer). Anyway, thank you for being patient. I hope you didn't lose the plot as well.

Warning: First basus interruptus, and really scary girls.

==================

****

Chapter 6: Some sweet lovin' (almost)

I tried not to glance at him as I continued with my work, but eventually I gave up trying and shamelessly looked at him, whether or not he noticed. There was a couple of times when some hussy would come sidling up to him, drinks in hand, invitation clear, and I would feel the most overwhelming need to rip their hair out and snarl, "Mine."

Oh, I wasn't jealous at all. Nope, not even when Xu came over and said, "Honey, you're scaring the patrons away."

It was close to midnight and the crowd was really beginning to move, when Selphie came over from the kitchens. With a twinkle in her eye, she relieved me from my duty, declaring that she would do her bit in getting the youth population of Esthar drunk out of their minds. Very civic-minded of her, I commented and she just laughed and pushed me out of the bar. Then she added cheekily, "also I'm campaigning for you to get laid tonight."

Lovely. With such encouraging support I was let out into the wild, jostling with the patrons who were already more than a little drunk. Just had to endure it I suppose. I was wearing a simple grey shirt, which, compared to what he was wearing, made me feel more than a little inadequate. Still, I was wearing the leather pants I had bought two days ago, and was at the process of breaking them in. You can't go wrong with leather pants, especially when you had sex in mind.

He still had the same drink he ordered an hour ago, his eyes roaming through the crowd disinterestedly, until his gaze fell on me. Immediately, I felt as if there was a live electric current flowing between us, cutting through all the other bodies in between. I felt as if every single inch of my skin was tingling in nervous anticipation.

He took my hand, when I finally reached him, and pulled me closer without another word. I was no longer aware of my surroundings; we were in a little space for ourselves, formed by our body heat and intermingling breaths. I was pressed to him, his arm around my waist tightly, while his other arm was trapped between us, with my hand that he was still holding. I was no longer thinking about guilt or consequences or the fact that I'm about to be involved with someone without being completely honest as to who I really was. All I could see and feel and breathe was him. It was intoxicating. Not even with Terrence had I felt this… this attraction on such a visceral level. I touched his cheek and he nuzzled into my palm, and it felt as if my very cells were on fire.

"Dance with me," he said softly and entranced, I nodded. 

The rest of the dance floor was pulsating to house music, the music of choice for the night. It wasn't what we had in mind. So we moved a little farther away, shielded by the panelling of the bar, a darker corner, undisturbed by anyone else. We swayed to our own rhythm, our bodies pressing tightly, his arms around me and mine around his neck. Since I was the shorter one, I rested my head on his shoulder and occasionally press my face against his neck, inhaling his scent. His arms would tighten and my knees would buckle just a little, and I was so grateful that he was there to catch me.

Eventually, the both of us noticed two things: Selphie was peering by the panelling, and she wasn't alone. A golden blonde head was slowly emerging behind her, and when our eyes met, Quistis gave a guilty giggle and promptly disappeared again.

I looked up and pulled his face nearer. His lips were so tantalisingly close. I nipped his lower lip and before I could pull away he captured my lips and parted them. I sighed when his tongue stroked mine. And nearby, I could hear answering sighs as well.

His eyes narrowed at the offenders while I kissed the side of his mouth, and a chorus of giggles was our reply. 

He rolled his eyes, and said to me, "Seems like we've got ourselves a fanclub."

"Leave?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

We left, making our way through the crowd, my head resting on his shoulder, with Selphie shouting behind us, "I'm expecting details!"

----------------------------

The moment we stepped out of the Garden and onto the sidewalk, Seifer turned to me and propping me against the wall, started nibbling on my neck. Anyone who saw us ignored us, after all we're just another pair of horny kids that was too impatient for anything else. Much like those who were passing by.

It felt so good. I moaned, "Shouldn't we take this someplace more private?"

He stopped. "Should we?"

I cuddled closer and shrugged. "It's going a little bit too fast for me." It wasn't the whole truth, but it wasn't a lie either.

He was drawing circles on my back and I just felt so… comfy. I didn't want to move.

"We could always move back in," he suggested. "And spend the rest of the night trying to ignore certain people's well-intentioned nosiness."

I only hugged him tighter and shook my head. "Or," he continued amused, "we could go someplace else. Just have a coffee or something?"

"Okay," I said softly.

We decided then to go to a little midnight café just a few stores down. We sat at one of the tables outside, so we could still enjoy the fresh air, but it was still in the shadows of the shrubbery and the overhanging lamps. We talked about anything and everything, as the cliché goes. But mostly we cuddled and kissed and did all those things that still send my pulse racing. He was doing a lot more of the talking, about the business and what he did and things that he liked and disliked. He liked my neck, we determined that pretty early on. And I found myself with the most incredible urge to just snuggle up to him, which eventually I did. Luckily the table we were sitting at was supplied with couches rather than ironwork chairs. Just sitting close to him, enclosed by his trenchcoat… it was delicious.

If he noticed my deliberate evasion of my past, he did not mention it. After a while, I was practically dozing on his chest, with his hands playing with my hair. Far away I can hear strains of guitar music, played by a sidewalk musician for a dollar or two. And in that precious moment, I felt completely happy. All that I was running away from felt just like a very bad dream.

"Hey, wake up," he shook me gently. I just mumbled drowsily. "C'mon, Sleeping Beauty, before we both get pneumonia." He propped me up while he paid for the coffee.

Marvelling at my ability to sleep, walk and clutch at him tightly at the same time, he commented, "I thought caffeine is supposed to keep you awake."

"Just the opposite. Sugar, on the other hand…," I replied with a yawn.

We walked to my apartment in companionable silence. Not much choice for him anyway, since I was doing my best impression of a zombie-slash-walking bolster pillow. The moment we reached the front door, he kissed me hard. Woke me up real nice. His hands had found their way under my shirt, and I was squirming under the onslaught. He was nipping at my earlobe and one of my legs managed to hook itself around his waist.

Suddenly he stopped. "Good night?"

Damn him. I didn't want to choose. I just want to be swept away, and let the circumstances decide for me. But his questions jolted me back to reality, and I found myself thinking hard, at that moment with his hand on my groin and my hands holding on to his shoulders.

I felt so terribly naïve and unsophisticated then, compared to him and his worldly ways. Told him exactly that, and for my answer, he laughed. "Hey, I'm only 20. I may have graduated with honours two years ago, but my voting rights won't come into effect until at least another 2 months." He sobered, and by then, the both of us had righted ourselves and were standing with only our foreheads touching. Finally he said, "I like you, Jeremy," _Squall!_ "I like you a lot. And I don't want to rush you. But it's hard. You're so different than anyone I've ever met."

I snorted. "Bet you say that to everyone who caught your eye."

He smiled, but his eyes were serious. Cupping my face, he looked at me directly. "No. You ARE different. You're so different compared to others, but sometimes it feels like you're the most familiar person I've known. Even if you're not telling." I opened my mouth to explain, but he shushed me with his finger on my mouth. "I don't want to rush you," he repeated. "I won't." Then almost to himself, he whispered, "I shouldn't."

I was shaken by his trust. No, not just his. The trust that was shown to me by all these people. It was incredible. My voice unsteady, I said, "So, good night?"

He kissed my forehead. "Good night."

-------------------------------

I went inside, he kissed my fingers as we parted and I closed the door. My head was resting on the door as I strained to hear the echo of his retreating footsteps down the hallway. I closed my eyes, recalling the way his body felt against mine. My hand was tracing the grain of the wood lightly. I couldn't hear him anymore. 

Needing comfort, my other hand roved to where Griever lay silent under my shirt. I slowly pulled it out, holding tightly onto it, its silver surface still warm from the heat of our bodies. _Oh please, if you can, tell me what to do._

-------------------------------

I woke up the next day groaning, unsurprised with the pounding in my head. Sleep was no longer a reprieve now. I kept dreaming of things that I could scarcely recall when I woke up, but still, they distressed me. Vaguely, I knew they were about my life before I was adopted, in which case, a poor time for long-forgotten memories to re-surface. I had never questioned before why I never remembered them. I was too young for the details of the why. But I had never thought about it until I came to Esthar.

__

…There was a small boy, with sunlight glinting on his close-cropped blond hair, playing in the field of daisies…

… A slim woman, leaning closely against her husband, peering worriedly on these displaced children she has called her own…

…Other tow-headed children, rallying around a shy, silent chocolate-haired boy, coaxing him to play. He follows unwillingly, though he is smiling…

There was more, images swirling in my dreamscape, making no sense. Terence had been replaced by the visions of these children, though sometimes they mixed together, jerking me awake, my clothes drenched in sweat. I was still confused, but there was no doubt in my mind, those children are my new-found friends in the Garden.

All I wanted was to start over, and what I got, was a link to the past I had long forgotten.

Absently, I was playing with the pendant hanging on my neck. Meditating on Griever, I decided to not do anything with this little revelation. Hell, they don't even know my name, what's another secret between us all?

Looking back, I really should know better than try and make resolutions that I couldn't keep. I mean, look how well the one about Seifer turned out. Still, couldn't accuse a man for lack of optimism, yeah?

-----------------

As usual, I arrived at the Garden close to 5 o'clock. I had to be there early enough for the shift change, and since I had been given a few managerial tasks by Cid (small-time really), I had to be there even earlier. Very responsible, I was. Even if it was just checking the wine inventory, or playing the straight man whenever Zell was in one of his moods when he thought he was being funny. I really should ask for a pay rise just for that.

But that particular day, I found that last night's fanclub had organised a welcoming committee for me. If those naughty, wide (approaching lecherous) grins that greeted me were any indication. Oh look, even Shiva's here. I couldn't quite decide which one of them was the scariest. Then again, Selphie, Quistis _and_ Shiva are advancing with a determined look in their eyes. 

(…)

Inexplicably, my subconscious decided to give me advice in Raijin's voice. _Now would be a good time to make your escape, ya know?_

Too late.

__

Ah, so this is the feeling of terror one feels when being cornered by a trio of cheerleaders. Right, now it's being Detached Documentary Voiceover Person. At the rate my subconscious was flying off tangents, I'd be seeing naked dancing babies soon.

Yonder, I could see Edea, along with the rest of the staff (who had all abandoned any pretence of working), watching the proceedings with great interest. Reality entertainment at its best. I'm so pleased--

Selphie leaned closer and rested her chin on my shoulder. "Hey lover," she drawled, Irvine-style. By then, the rest of the girls had got their hands on me. Three hot blonde babes all over me. I should be in heaven. Oh wait, I'm gay. 

__

Does this mean we're in hell?

Note: Panicky inner self v. unhelpful.

I levelled a cool stare at my questioner. (Because really, if I tried to stare them all down, I'd be cross-eyed.) "Yes, doll?"

Shiva tittered at that. 

"So how was the last night?" Selphie continued sweetly.

"Pleasant."

"I've heard better adjectives from past lovers," Quistis scoffed.

I took my time turning my head towards her. "Go ask them then. Because we kissed, then we said good night. And he left."

"That's all?!" Shiva was a little disbelieving. No one could blame her really.

Selphie must have noticed the patch of inflamed skin not covered by my shirt collar. "Lovebite!" she squealed. I rolled my eyes at the excited "ooh"s that followed. Edea was trying to cover her laughter by coughing into her hand. 

Oh, for Hyne's sake, I thought irritably as they practically yanked the collar away so they could take a good look at that particular mark (and a few besides), if they want to probe my upper chest area, couldn't they have the decency to drug me into unconsciousness first? At least we're at the hallway between the kitchens and the staff locker room. I hoped no unsuspecting customer was a witness to this.

"Done?" I asked archly, throwing a meaningful glare for good measure.

"Hey, what's this?" asked Shiva curiously as she pulled out the silver chain that was holding Griever. "Pretty." The rest of the girls nodded in agreement. 

I answered even as I took it back. "Griever." Immediately, I felt a strange sort of silence descended. I was busy buttoning up my shirt to notice Edea coming nearer.

"Squall?" she called out softly. Unthinking, I looked up in answer. Oops.

At that point, it was safe to say that _everyone_ gasped. And then a human avalanche, and there I was, caught in the middle of it. Distantly, I heard Zell running into the kitchen and shouting for Irvine to come out, because _it's Squall!_

Eventually, they stopped trying to hug me to death. Zell did an impromptu noogie though. _May I just say, ow?_ Edea was looking at me with tears in her eyes. 

I was trying hard to be unaffected. I bit the corner of my lip a little. Not exactly the homecoming I would have imagined, but I was **home**.

Someone must have realised at what a scene we were causing, because Quistis was herding us into the locker room and Zell was shooing everyone back to work. Q was nervously handing tissues to anyone who needed them (himself included) and Ifrit was suitably menacing by the doorway.

Eventually, it was just me and the Orphanage Gang (as they later told me) in the room. Everyone was a little teary-eyed, with Zell and Q unabashedly sniffling and Edea holding me close, fussing over me like a mother hen. But I was quickly coming down from my euphoria. So they know my name. The Squall they knew was a boy scarcely eight-years old when he left the orphanage. This Squall was different. Too many things had happened for them to be familiar and comfortable with me anymore. But even as I thought it, I knew that was false. Even from the very first day, they had been nothing but kind to me, even when they knew I was hiding things for them. But the question was, how much do I tell them? The more I considered it (with all the noisiness of reunion going around me), the more I hated the secrets I kept. But I've been careful for so long, and the thought of suddenly disclosing them to such a group of people was very much a shock to my well-constructed shields.

I had been keeping my head down the entire while, as I was mulling over what to do. Edea was stroking my hair, while the rest of them sat close by, trying to maintain some sort of physical contact with me. 

"Squall?" she asked softly. I looked up, and saw the concerned gazes of the people around me. I tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace.

I took a deep breath. I was still unsure on how to proceed. But Shiva saved me when she swiftly asked, half-demanding, "How come you never told us? You should know you can trust us right? I mean, it might be 10 years, but it's not like you've forgotten all about us?! I mean, sure, you're in hiding from whatever it was, but it's not like we won't help!"

I seized on the opening she gave. "I'm sorry. But I don't really remember any of you." I heard a gasp somewhere, I wasn't sure who. "I- I don't remember anything after I was adopted."

Quistis was the quickest on the uptake. "You had amnesia?"

I nodded, a little uncertainly. "I guess so. I never really asked. I know I had a bad fall sometime after I was adopted, and Mother told me that I never remembered my orphanage days. And they couldn't help, because they don't know you that well." I didn't want to add how deliberate that excuse felt to me, how convenient it was when I first heard it.

"But you don't seem too surprised." That was from Selphie, who was sitting on Irvine's lap.

"I- I've been having dreams," I confessed. So far, the interrogation was going rather well. Nothing particularly life-threatening had slipped from my lips yet.

But that thought came too soon, as Shiva asked with typical bluntness, "so, why are you in Esthar?"

Well, here goes. Don't forget to take a deep breath before you dive in. "I'm … I'm hiding. Terence, my … lover, he died. Killed. He… he was an addict, a- and th-they were demanding payment." I took another breath, before I continued. "I shouldn't have been there, but… but… they saw me. I had to run. I don't know what else to do."

Quistis asked gently, "Why didn't you go to the police?"

Unconsciously, I was leaning closer into Edea's arms. "I don't know. Maybe I'm too afraid. But Timber is a small military town; everyone knew everyone else. They- they were familiar. I've seen them before. I can't remember where." _I don't want to remember_ "I had to get away. And- and not… it's a small town. My father's a career army man. The General's son isn't a homosexual." _Faggot!_ I shook my head at that old taunt. "If I were to tell- they won't- they couldn't- they'd sooner believe them than a freak like me!"

I closed my eyes. I was breathless, my heart was still racing from the recollections assaulting me. There. It's done. It's out. I have talked more in front a group of people than I ever did in my entire life. They could call me whatever names they liked; it couldn't be any worse than the ones I've called myself.

I felt the press of a body behind me. A wisp of platinum blonde hair rested on my shoulders. "You're not a freak," Shiva said softly. "At least, not among us. I have it on good authority that Ifrit goes to sleep with a little pink stuffed bear every night."

"HEY!" Ifrit's indignant shout broke the tension in the room. It was a lame joke, but the titters and giggles soon progressed into all out laughter. Zell couldn't look at Ifrit without breaking up into another bout of laughter.

"It's not pink, it's yellow!"

"Oh Gods!" Selphie shouted amidst her teary laughter. "Tell me it's not my missing Winnie the Pooh that you're defiling nightly!"

At that point, he just crossed his arms and pouted. By then, we all had subsided, patting each other's backs and trying to catch our breaths.

Edea was lovingly caressing my hair. "Squall, we've missed you so much." And she pulled me into a tight hug, one that I returned, even though it felt as if the very air was being squeezed out of my lungs. "_I've missed you so much._"

"Me too." I smiled sheepishly, " I might not remember everything, but I've missed you all."

Q was quietly blowing his nose in the corner. 

"But," I looked urgently at everyone. "Please don't tell anyone about this. Please?"

"Of course we won't!" Zell staunchly declared. "Unless they really really Need to Know." 

Irvine nodded in ready agreement.

To quote a certain someone in a galaxy far far away,_ I have a bad feeling about this. _

Ifrit, arms still crossed, spoke up. "Cid's gotta know."

Q rejoined, "And Seifer, Ellone, Kiros, Ward, Laguna… Laguna! Hyne, Laguna HAS got To Know!"

I frowned. "What? Why?" There's perfectly no reason for the world's richest man to know about me, close connections or no.

Edea turned her suddenly feverish eyes on me. "Squall, he's your father."

"_WHAT??!"_

===========

end (tbc)

Author p/s: To those who can spot just at which point I slammed and left a bloody mess on the writer's block… ssssshh! Don't tell anyone. It was tough getting the story back together again after that. And I'm so sorry to those who have waited (if there's any left).

… Oh, I just realised how lame the plot is. Sheesh.


	7. Plot twists worthy of daytime tv

--Insert Melodramatic Title Here--

*disclaimer: Not mine. Not making money, not anything.

A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! 

Summary: Squall, a young man from Timber, runs away to Esthar to find his past and future is waiting for him. Bla bla. 

Dedicated to: all my friends who now know that I'm writing slash, because they're not reading this. :)

Note: Ok, I'd just like to say... 1) A thousand apologies for inflicting my Tortoise Kungfu on this poor fic. It wasn't meant to take this long, but hey. Hontou ni iro iro na gomen sumimasen minna-sama! And 2) Thanks a lot y'all! This is not just for those who've been following this story, but to EVERYONE who's been kind enough to read all my other stories and liking it. Talk about lovely surprises. ^_^ I couldn't stop grinning. My ego is damn near big enough to take over the world!

**Chapter 7: Plot twists worthy of daytime tv**

Well, I didn't faint, at least.

But the mental static grew so loud I didn't even notice I was the only one left in the room, with Edea by my side.

My head was resting on her shoulders. Dimly, I was aware of her fingers carding through my hair, soothing me, grounding me. "father. Laguna father- my father. Dad." I was muttering softly to myself.

Needless to say, the incoherent babble that she heard was nothing compared to the cacophony in my head. I had been fully prepared for them to find out about the reasons I had escaped to Esthar, but I had never, ever thought that these open, guileless people would know something something that could shake me so badly that there I was, talking to myself and not noticing the woman who was, for all intents and purposes, my real mother.

I have a father.

A real, flesh-and-blood father.

Father! I have one!

_(And he doesn't wear a coal scuttle over his head too.)_

I laughed, a little hysterically, at that stray thought. Note to inner self: lay off the sci-fi references.

To say that I was confused and bewildered (and all the other words you need to look up in the thesaurus in), was putting it mildly. Sure, I'd been dreaming about the time I was at the orphanage, but it wasn't as if I had a revelation, where everything was revealed to me at last. I wasn't prepared for this. At all. 

I remembered that throwaway conversation, just before the welcome-back party, with Irvine and Selphie. I had I never would I just couldn't imagine myself being the long-lost son of Laguna Loire! It's impossible.

"It can't possible be real." I didn't realised that I had spoken out loud.

"Why not?" Edea's soft voice floated down.

I shrugged helplessly. "It- it just can't." I looked up to her kind eyes, well aware of how helpless I looked. I blinked, and was surprised at the lone tear that trailed down. It's not that I hadn't dreamed of this before. Many times, especially after the numerous arguments with Father. Didn't everybody dreamed that they were someone else? Someone loved, someone precious, someone unafraid to be who they really were? Maybe it was because I knew I was adopted, that this particular fantasy holds an especially cherished place in my heart. To find my real kin who will take me away.

No. It's not because I hadn't imagined the possibility at all. It's because I _had_ imagined it, that I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it. It's the fear of finally facing the fantasy that was the reality all along. Finally facing the familiar fiction, only to find it's the foreign truth.

I fear 

The unknown.

My voice a bare whisper, I said, "Tell me everything."  
---------------------------

Summarising the eight years of my life since birth in two hours was no mean feat, but she managed it. By the time she was done with the major points, it was already near eight o'clock. The restaurant was already open, and the club was beginning to heat up, although the dance floor won't come alive for two hours yet.

We spent the two hours alone in the locker room, my head cradled on her lap, hearing the words that drifted down from her. My mind felt as if it was floating down an abyss made up entirely of the stories she was telling me. I refused to cry for the memories that I've lost in that unsuspected tumble down the stairs. I had nothing to hold onto, except her words and my tightly held legs. It was as if I was curling into myself, trying to protect whatever was left from the Squall I've always been taught that I was.

I was half-dazed as I walked out of that room. Armed with nothing more than Edea's soft kiss on my brow, I made ready to face the world.

Walking a lot more steadier than how I was really feeling, I headed for the bar, preparing to take my shift. Never mind I forgot to change into my uniform. I was too numb to bother. Every glance my way felt like a piercing stare. 

That's the funny thing about life-altering revelations. The world hasn't changed, but it feels a lot more different.

It's like when you first had your ears pierced, remember? The next few days, the world was still as it was, but as you nursed the throbbing pain, you noticed every single glint of silver in the ears of the crowd.

But never mind that. Back to the dazed boy walking towards the counter with a half-absent expression on his face. I didn't even notice the oddity of Zell waiting for me there, besides Xu; after all, it was his shift upstairs that night.

I did, however, notice his inane, "Are you ok?"

No, I wanted to bark out. On a scale of one to NO, I am NOT ok. Yeah, so I just found out my dad's a multi-millionaire, and there's worse things to find out than that, but it's not something you go through EVERY day, so I'm still adjusting, so no, I. Am. Not. Okay.

"Yeah," I managed feebly.

"Stuff like this takes some getting used to," he said sympathetically.

Sometime, I really, really, want to punch Zell Dincht. Just for the heck of it,_ ya know_?

Then I noticed my unchanged shirt. And chalk it up to emotional imbalance, because suddenly I was just so flustered by that. And my frantic gesturing and mumbling must have really worried the both of them, because then my hands were seized and Xu said soothingly, "Look Jer- Squall, it's okay. We can handle it here for tonight." She looked at me firmly in the eye. "Go home."

So I did. And yes, I did notice her slip-up.

Who am I? Really?

Whatever. I need a nap.  
----------------------------------

I couldn't handle any prime time, must-see tv, so I just vacantly flipped through the channels until I finally settled on some obscure Centran station. I don't understand a word of it, but the chef was doing unspeakable things to the poor lobster.

Perfect mindless entertainment.

I half-heartedly changed out of my clothes, though I couldn't muster up enough will to actually put on my sleep shirt. So there I was sitting on the couch with nothing more but my sleep pants huddled in my comfortingly comfy comforter looking to the world like I just lost a bout with the flu virus.

Somewhere in my mind, I was perfectly aware that I am somewhat over-dramatising the situation I was in. I should be jumping for joy, stars in my eyes, breathlessly announcing that I _just_ can't wait to see my Dad (flutter flutter). 

But dammit. I just discovered a whole new life that I was never aware of. I felt cheated and elated at the same time. And, as much as I wanted to jump for joy and breathlessly announce my happiness, Squall Leonhart was still very much General Kartheiser's faggot son as he was Laguna Loire's long lost child.  
Father loved me, as much as his strict disciplinarian ethics and my background allowed. He was never particularly affectionate, I've mentioned before, but he was the only father I've ever known at that time. Oh, I've read all those wonderful write-ups about the fantastic Mr Loire, but how will he be like as a father? A person? Will he be hard to talk to? Was all that good-naturedness just a front?

But that can't be true, as I remembered the one time we met at that dinner that felt like ages ago. I suppose some of my misgivings I learned from Father. He was never one for what he called 'those damned capitalists'. Still, I was anxious.

_Oh, be honest Squall. You're scared about how he will treat YOU._

Exactly. Edea, Cid, Zell and the rest; they've known him for ages. I was someone thrust into his life quite unceremoniously like an unwanted package. How will he treat me then?

Yes, I was quite frightened out of my wits.

Wasn't that fun?

---------------------------------------

The chef had moved on to a sorry looking pheasant when there was a knock on my door. My latent psychic powers (no, really) indicated that a certain Seifer Almasy was standing outside my apartment.

All right, so it was all just wishful thinking on my part. But, if you wish really hard, it'll come true, right?

So there he was. Gorgeous as sin and smirking at me like I was the most delicious thing on the planet.

Maybe it's because I left the blanket on the couch and padded topless to answer the door.

I can't deny I didn't enjoy his silent admiring inspection (and besides, he told me afterwards, thin cotton pants do look sexy in certain lights and from certain angles. But then, he was literally trying to charm me out of my pants. But more on that later).

I smiled muzzily; I was half-dozing when he knocked. "Hey."

He smiled. "You look nice."

I shivered a little at all the innuendo he managed to pack into that simple sentence. "Thanks. Come on in."

His coat sleeves brushed my torso as he entered, and yes, goosebumps erupted on my arm.

"What is that?" he said as he stopped abruptly and stared uncomprehendingly at the tv.

I just managed to stop colliding into him (Inner Squall: Now why do you have to that?!) when I answered absently, "Oh, just Squall Leonhart's Bedtime Entertainment."

Silence. "What?"

Hyne, he smells nice. "I told you, my 'Bedtime Entertainment'." Air quotes for emphasis.

"Before that."

Before what? Patiently, I began, "Squall L-" Oh.

Oops?

Oh ground, swallow me now.

Speaking more to the floor than to him, I said timidly, "I- I thought you knew."

"Squall?"

The response I gave had too many consonants to recall.

"Squall?" he said again.

This time, I wisely kept silent.

He firmly held my chin and made me look up. Gently, oh so gently, he asked again, "Squall?"

"Yes?" I breathed.

And he kissed me.

---------END CHAPTER-----

A/N: No! Don't worry! This time I actually have the next chapter almost done.... but er.. look out for it next week. Feel free to chant any voodoo curses if I'm tardy. I may need it. :D

I wanted to give up on this story, because sometimes I get over-critical, but it won't be unfair to y'all now, won't it? (and besides, my friend would pinch me black and blue. Hell, she already did anyway)


	8. Oh darn it. More cliffhangers

__Insert Melodramatic Title Here__ 

*disclaimer: Not mine. Not making money, not anything.

A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! 

Summary: Squall, a young man from Timber, runs away to Esthar to find his past and future is waiting for him. Bla bla. 

Recap: "Laguna's my dad! And Seifer just kissed me! Now what?"

Dedicated to: all my friends who now know that I'm writing slash, because they're still not reading this. :)

==================

**Chapter 8: Oh darn it. More cliffhangers.**

Seifer kisses very well.  Even until now, he can kiss me until that bottomless feeling in my belly overwhelms me and I am overcome by that heady tingle along my spine.

So you can imagine how it must have felt like then.

His lips were gentle, soft on mine. It was a chaste kiss, yet it made goosebumps break upon my skin. His hands were secure on my arm and there was something curiously classic and dizzyingly sweet about that moment. 

_The bastard.__ I think I love him._

We ended a kiss a little too soon for my liking. I may have whined.

"Squall." Soft, so soft.

My name sounds so beautiful coming from him. Everything sounds so beautiful coming from him.

(note to self: sappy self v. embarrassing.)

I wasn't too sure what to say next, but my mouth made up its mind before my brain could stop it.

"Say that again."

There was a smile in those brilliant jade as he said it, "Squall."

I held him tighter. "Thank you."

Next thing I knew, we were on the sofa. The crook of his arm is a very comfy place to be, I decided, and I snuggled closer. We sat in silence, but it wasn't the suffocating, awkward sort of silence. There wasn't even the edge of anticipation. It was just us, on the sofa, sitting together, half-registering the blustering cook on tv. Whatever's necessary has already been spoken, everything after is just the extras. He was carding his fingers through my hair, and it feels so … Nice.

After a while, he spoke. "I should've been surprised. But I'm not. I think I've always known, even when we first met and you were scowling and asking about the cigarette."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, any of you, sooner," I whispered.

"It's ok." He kissed my forehead. "I… I think I understand. You were afraid, weren't you?"

I simply nodded.

A silent second pass. "Would you tell me?"

There was no doubt about what my answer would be. "Yes."

It should've been tiring to tell my story again, but it was Seifer I'm telling, and if I could bare my soul (somewhat) to a locker room-ful of people, then what about him? The story was a lot more coherent this time around, as I was more comfortable in letting my secrets go and the facts was, as it were, a lot more orderly in my head. And Seifer? He absorbed it all quietly throughout, still holding me and I hoped, still loving me.

All this mush. I must be going senile.

_Tyrnce__ never got under your skin as quickly as he did…_

Yes. That was pretty much an understatement.

By the time the storytelling was done, my lids grew heavy. More quiet stillness. In a slurred voice, I asked, "What do you remember?"

"About what? About our childhood?" He smiled while kissing my hair. "I remember a very stuck-up boy."

"Am not," I protested sleepily.

"You have amnesia. What do you know? Shush." He soothed the sting of his mild retort with another kiss. Being petted and cuddled by a certain Seifer Almasy was proving to be a very enjoyable experience. Unfortunately, it was also an excellent way to ease me further into sleep. It didn't help that he was rearranging ourselves on the sofa, until I was practically lying atop him.

I raised my head to meet his steady gaze, blinking so slowly. "You used to pick fights with me."

"I used to pick fights with Zell. I'm an equal opportunity sort of person," he pointed out.

"Bully." We were so close, his breath felt like pinpricks on my skin.

"Hmm… yeah."

Oh yes. Seifer kisses very well.

Those hands… everywhere. A gasp. Yes, that was me.

I don't ever want to be anywhere else.

And just to prove that the Universe has a twisted sense of humour, a heavy veil of blackness descended upon me.

--------------------

Oh man. 

I blinked drowsily at the glare of sunlight.

"'morning sleepyhead," came an amused voice.

I tried not to notice the drool on his shirt, as I mumbled something in reply.

I took his continued stroking of my hair as a good sign and that he wasn't at all displeased about how last night turned out. "Sorry."

"You needed the rest. And I needed the time to think."

Think?  Was last night's conversation just a dream and … what if…

"Hey," he said, smoothing out the wrinkles on my brow. "I just needed the time for it all to settle, is all." He chuckled at my visible relief. "I didn't expect earth-moving revelations you know."

"Well, you did say you came from the Garden…"

"Well yes, but only long enough to check that you weren't there." He frowned thoughtfully. "No wonder Zell looked a bit… choked."

If possible, I snuggled even closer. "Who cares about Zell," I mumbled.

I was nearly drowsing back to sleep again when he spoke. "Squall?"

"Hmmm?"

"Nothing. I just like saying your name."

_Well, I like you saying it, but I was too sleepy to bother saying it out loud._

"We need to tell Laguna about this."

I tensed.

"He is your father, Squall," was his only response.

I know that. I do. But why do I feel so afraid?

"He's not so bad."

"To all of you, maybe," I couldn't help saying.

Carefully, he dislodged me from himself and tilted my head and forced me to look him straight in the eye. "Laguna Loire is a very very good man. A klutz and a half, which can be annoying sometimes, but he has a good heart. He likes to play in the rain, loves kids and adores cotton candy. But when you think he's an immature moron, he does something that reminds people that behind all that, there's a very responsible mind lurking in there somewhere. He loved Raine. But he loved his country. And he went to war. And he came back, and found his family gone." Seifer paused, regaining his breath. "He was devastated. He never even met you, and he mourned for his son. How could you deny him that?"

"But that's just it!" I cried. "He never met me, never knew me! For all I know, his idealised son isn't who he thought it would be. What if… what if I'm a disappointment?!" There I said it. My fear, crystallised in words and hung frozen in the air.

Seifer kissed me long and deep. Parting, yet foreheads touching, he breathed, "he won't." Pulling back, eyes twinkling, he added, "A man willing to adopt three full-grown chocobos from the State Zoo won't be that discriminating."

Well, that was comforting, and I suppose my expression told him as much.

He laughed. "You'll be fine. More than fine. Made quite a good impression during the dinner. He'll be delighted beyond anything."

He leaned over me, deliciously tempting. "How can he not? You've got me hooked."

"Not quite the same way, I hope," I joked helplessly.

"No, because that would be wrong, and I would be **furious."**

And this time, he went on a full-scale assault on a helpless, yet totally willing, me.

------------END CHAPTER------

A/N: I think I may have infuriated a couple of people with THAT ending. 'm sorry. 'm sorry. But homework was a wonderful inspiration (read: another way to procrastinate), so be glad I'm keeping my Tortoise Kungfu in check with this one. LoL. I will get to graphic bits where all the clothes come off, okeday?

And again, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everyone. :)


	9. This is the part where you send the chil...

Disclaimers: I don't own them.

Notes: Gomen, minna-san! Anyway, I'm (sorta) back and am quite dedicated to finishing this damn fic. (exams, what's that?)

A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! 

WARNING: This chapter has mention of sex. Between two consenting adult men. Because this a YAOI fic. Which involves boys. F*cking. (at some point) …ladies and gents, I've just challenged ff.net's rating system. (I'm gonna die…)

**DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE SLASH/YAOI/TWO BOYS TOGETHER**

**…..**

**….**

**…**

**last**** chance….**

**…….**

**Ok fine…..**

**On to the fic….******

**Chapter 9: This is the part where you send the children to bed first**

He was leaning over me, with that hungry look in his eye, and my heart throbbed painfully.

"Wait, wait," I sat up, my hand on his chest, stopping his advances. "What date is it today?"

"The 21st," he answered with a questioning lilt to his head. "Thursday."

"Oh," I made myself comfortable, latching my arms behind his neck and pulling him closer. "That's all right then." I nibbled his lower lip. "Day off."

"Hmm," he smirked in amusement. He moved lower. Oh hey, that's right. Neck. Ticklish. Very. I squirmed.

"Not like you can't call in sick or something," he murmured. "Considering the circumstances, they'd be more than understanding that you need some time… alone."

"Oh, just shut up and get on with it."

"Gladly."

Let's see, the only thing that kept me from total nudity was a comforter and my sleep pants. Seifer, on the other hand, had a whole set of clothes that were still on him and not on the floor.

How unthoughtful. 

He was delicately licking my collarbones, successfully distracting me, but not for long, not when my hand caught hold of his belt buckle. I tried my best to, how you say it, divest him of his clothes (i.e. stripping him naked), but he's too good.

Now, you have to remember, my previous lover was my best friend and high-school classmate. We were both virgins. It was sweet, it was memorable. It was also clumsy. Whatever we did, it felt lightyears away than what I had with Seifer at that moment.

"Time out," I announced. An eyebrow cocked in response. "Hold still," I muttered, as I struggled with his belt. 

"This feels very romantic."

"Oh, shut up."

He caught hold of my hand. "Would you like me to do it?" he asked quietly.

"No!" Taking a breath, a little more slowly. "No. I want to… I just want to…"

He kissed the hand in his grasp. "Okay."

My fingers were now trembling. Okay. Okay, I remember how to do this right? Huh.

Thankfully, I managed to tug the belt off.  Ok, breathe. I traced the skin of his neck, framed by the collar. Buttons off, one by one. His pale skin glowed in the morning light. He was beautiful.

I was entranced by him. I traced his collarbone, marvelling at the feel of him. My fingers found their way unerringly to one tempting nipple. I didn't dare to touch it yet, circling it, feeling coy. I think we both had stopped breathing.

'round and 'round….

I flicked the now stiff nub with my thumb and my mouth descended upon it.  There was a gasp and a long moan above me. He tasted like… he tasted like what Seifer Almasy would taste like, and it was like a switch was turned on within me, and I was voracious. For him.

I don't think I could ever get enough of him.

I wanted to touch him, taste him, feel him, everywhere I can reach and anywhere else I can't. I want him. So badly. My hands were shaking. Harder.

I want.

I was nipping the skin of his belly. A finger tracing his navel. My other hand was busy clutching him from behind, not caring, not thinking, not even aware that his pants were still on and his shirt was only unbuttoned.

Hmm, I was really hungry.

I was pulled up and into a mindblowing kiss, leaving me breathless. "Take it easy," he whispered. I was still too caught up by the whirlwind inside me to really register his words.

Before I knew it, he had my hands up above me and his breath was tickling the fine hairs on my neck. "Stay still."

I just squirmed more in reply.

"Brat."  And he ground against me. Oh sweet Hyne, I bless the existence of friction. Our groins, slip-sliding against each other, the tickle and caresses of fabrics just making the torture that much sweeter. He pushed harder; I strained further, just to feel more.

He groaned, as I rubbed frantically against him.

"Tease," he moaned as he held my face still and kissed me deeply. 

All dignity has fled from me. "Please," I begged.

"Shush shush," he muttered as he slid my pants off my hips, tangling with my legs, and finally, onto the floor.

"Oh God – Seifer, _please_…"

When skin finally met blessed skin, I was one step closer to euphoria. I clutched harder at him, scrabbling at his shoulders, unaware of the reddened welts I was leaving behind with my fingernails. He was gripping my hips so hard I could feel the bruises blooming, directing the motion of our bodies to higher peaks than I thought possible.

Our movements wild, uncaring but for the promise of release. I can't remember all I said, save for more begging and pleas and incoherent whimpers. He was too far gone to consider replying, and he took his pleasure as selfishly as I did.

As first encounters go, it was not romantic. It was not strictly mindless rutting either. It was just, _us._

Later, we lay exhausted, the morning sun creeping its way along the couch and bathing us in its lazy golden glow.

"That was nice."

"Just nice?" Too much smirking in that voice to consider it offended.

"Great. Fantastic. Awesome." I yawned. "Exhausting, in a," yawn, "very good way."

"Up for a repeat performance?"

I reached languidly for him, battling tongues, lips and smiles and I thought, _we're never going to get anything done_.


	10. I better freakin’ finish this soon

Disclaimers: I don't own them.

A/U, SquallxSeifer. YAOI! SHOUNEN-AI! 

**CHAPTER 10: I better freakin' finish this soon.**

"Hey."

I squirmed. He knew by then that my neck was very ticklish, the bastard. "What?" I croaked, cracking one eye open.

Silhouetted against the orange sunset, I could barely make out his features, but that smug grin that said _I wore you out good, didn't I?_ was blinding.

"Wake up lazybum, unless you want a whole gaggle of worried Garden staff come bearing down on this humble little abode."

I yawned in reply and snuggled closer.

He just won't stop being amused. "Fine, be that way."

_This is nice_, I thought. _The sex was great, but this is nice_. Maybe it was because he was lazily petting my hair, or  because we were both naked and sticky and sleepy and in no hurry to be anywhere. Whatever the reasons, it was nice.

My mind was drifting lazily, lulled by the even stroking of Seifer's hand. It was a novel position; I had never been the one who was held and petted, Terence being too frail for me to be anyone else but his incapable protector. I felt safe, and loved.

_Is this how family feels like?_

"Seifer?"

"Hmm?"

I exhaled and continued, not quite knowing what I would be saying. "Will he – is he busy? I mean, I – would Laguna meet me?"

Seifer was silent, and pulled me up so I was facing him, even though half-draped on his chest. "Yes, yes he would," he said in utter seriousness. "He would love you."

"You're just giving lip service," I muttered.

"No." He sighed in frustration. "Listen. Squall, just listen, ok? Laguna loved me, and he loved the rest of us, but in all the years since the War I know he misses his true family. With Raine – your mother – there's a tombstone for him to visit, to pay his respects, a monument to the one woman he loved in his life. But you…. We filled the empty spaces, and I think he's resigned to never knowing what happened to his son, but do you want to take this away from him? You will not disappoint him. You could never disappoint him."

I sighed. "Fine. When can I meet him?"

I endeavoured to be a lot more agreeable from then on, judging from his completely enthusiastic kiss.

-----

It was not for another three days that Seifer managed to arrange a dinner with Laguna, who was away visiting his old hometown (doesn't that make it my own hometown too, I wondered). To say that I' was nervously anticipating the meeting would be like stating extracting your tooth can be a tedious and painful process when the only thing you have is only a pair of pliers. Which means yes, I was nervously anticipating the entire dreaded affair.

But in the meantime… I bless the human ability to concentrate fully on the trivial and the short-term. The Garden kept me satisfactorily occupied, and its staff took no urging to remind me that I was loved and accepted. It was a lovely feeling, as I worked to get to know these people who were my family many years past. Edea couldn't help coddling me, Cid kept thumping me in the back and remarked at how much I've grown up (the same goes for Q and Ifrit, though there were more tissues for Q), Shiva kept smirking, Selphie cannot stop grinning, Quistis couldn't quite stop her face from breaking into smiles periodically, Zell's mission it seemed was to feed me EVEN MORE hot dogs and bad jokes and Seifer couldn't quite keep his hands off me (not that I was complaining). And the regular patrons were beginning to comment that Irvine's cooking had kicked a notch higher the past few days.

In short, it was precisely the raucous kind of reunion I had imagined it would be. It was exhausting. I was beginning to wonder if Edea got her hair colour from a bottle, because there was no way a person could survive a hyperactive childhood (_times six!_ reminds my brain) unscathed, without grey hairs or battle scars of some sort.

To top it all off, it seemed the fallout of the Discovery of My Actual Identity (caps intended) had been very interesting. Shiva was now dating Ifrit. I don't remember shrieking, but my eyebrows pretty much disappeared off my hairline, I could imagine. Excess emotions and exultations had been pinpointed as major factors.

"Eh," she just said, shrugging. "It was bound to happen someday." 

But beneath her nonchalance, Shiva was quietly freaking out. If she was not, explain to me that one stress-filled day (_one more day to Dinner With Laguna!_) where she tried shoe after shoe, outfit after outfit while I refrain from pointing out that if the man could take severe mental and verbal abuse for all these years, she could show up in sackcloth and ashes and still that date would be a smash.

Then again, you could never underestimate the importance of a well-placed cleavage.

What about myself? Well, I was happy to note that having a well-off, handsome boyfriend is a Real Good Thing. I still remembered Irvine's warnings, and even though I wondered if it still applied, I decided to not worry too much about it, and enjoy all the attention he was giving me.

And I finally got around to replying to an entire week's worth of backlogged messages from Rinoa. I debated telling her about Seifer, because I couldn't quite decide which was worse: being reamed for not telling her sooner, or being reamed for not writing mails for so long and when I did, it was with news like this.

I decided against it.  She was coming to visit in a week anyway, as the new semester approaches. I'd rather endure light physical assault than a letter filled with screaming capitals and exclamation marks. That kind of letters gives me headaches, and she knew it too. 

Yes, I was totally counting on her pathological need to make a good first impression in front of my boyfriend to get off lightly. I hoped.

--------

Three hours before the Dinner, I was a nervous wreck previously known as Squall.

"Relax," Seifer tried valiantly to calm me down. Not that he was succeeding, because by then I was distantly noting that I may need to buy a new carpet soon, if I didn't stop pacing.

"I can't," I snapped. "What if he doesn't like me? What if he was just being polite the last time? What if something happens and he _just knows_ that I couldn't possibly the boy he was looking for? What if – mmpph…"

Seifer. Kissing. Very. Good.

He whispered against my lips, "I'd offer a quickie if I thought it'll calm you down."

"No, no," I shook my head vehemently. "No sex before meeting with prospective genetic parents." Not with my blush reflex anyway.

He looked at me in the eye. "Then calm down."

Impulsively, I threw my arms around him, and hugged. Hard. "I'm so scared."

"Shh, everything will be fine."

"Can we just, I don't know, sit or something?" I asked in a small voice.

He nodded agreeably. He switched on the tv and without preamble, carried me to the couch. We just sat in silence for most of the two hours, with me lightly weaving in and out of sleep as some talk show host droned on about self-confidence (_very subtle Seifer_).

Five minutes before the scheduled time for the dinner, we both stood outside of the Garden, with me gripping onto Seifer's hand for dear life. I thought it was gracious of Laguna to suggest the Garden; it wasn't exactly neutral, I was comfortable and familiar with it. Already he gave me favourable odds. If I had just stopped to think about it, this would have been the most obvious clue that Laguna Loire intends to take me, Squall Leonhart, as his son very seriously.

Of course, at that point I suddenly developed a worry that my dark blue dinner jacket was too subdued.

_"I mean, what if it's too boring?"_ I whispered fiercely as we walked upstairs. _"He could be expecting a more livelier son or something –"_

And all Seifer did was pinch my ass.

I semi-squealed, looked at the man behind me accusingly, and turned around to face… my father.

"Hullo?" I began awkwardly.

"Squall?" Awkwardness may be a family trait.

I nodded uncertainly.

The next thing I knew, he was crushing all the air out of me. "I've missed you so much," he said feelingly as I reciprocated the hug. "You have your mother's eyes," he declared after he released me from that enormous bear hug. I flushed in pleasure.

"Come, we shouldn't be standing like idiots here. Let's have dinner, shall we?" he announced, as he excitedly led me to my seat. Ellone was already standing by her seat, her eyes bright and shining.

Throughout it all, Seifer was keeping my hand securely in his. His eyes twinkled, as if saying _I did say it'll be fine, didn't I?_

_Oh shut up_, I thought happily as I began reacquainting myself with a sister and father I never knew.

-----

END

Notes: I will persevere~! And finish this!


End file.
